10 Bitches We Hate

10.  Melania Trump

Who the fuck is this bloodsucking Van Helsing bitch? How desperately money grubbing can you be to submit to a lifetime (or at least 'til she starts to show signs of aging) of Donald Trump and his hair climbing on top of you nightly to do his non-real-estate-related business? Hate the bitch.

9. Star Jones

Now that awards season is over, workers can begin the painstaking process of removing the over 10,000 layers of dry caked-on celebrity feces entombing her fat head from her hours clocked sticking it up celeburectums on various red carpets around town. On the bright side, the smell has the Pavlovian effect of making her all the more sexually desirable to her gay, gay husband.

8.  Oprah

YES I said it. What the fuck IS she? She walks around with that wide jungle cat head and mane of hair like some mythical creature, a threeway hybrid of The Lion, The Witch AND The Wardrobe, while an unstoppable uber-army composed of boring, talentless midwestern housewives and Jamie Foxx genuflect at her altar. I will love you forever, Jonathan Franzen, for not submitting to this condescending, pseudo-Zenlike, improve-your-life-by-making-me-richer media-glutting bitch.

7.   Condoleeza Rice

What to say about someone who signs their entire existence over to the cause  of furthering the life's work of George W. Bush, hanging on his every mangled word like some star-crossed schoolgirl in love. Does she dream about him, and if so, what are those dreams about, I wonder? Do you feel safe with this bucktoothed bitch in power? Me neither. Bitch works my last nerve.

6. Cameron Diaz

There's something about Cameron. That something is that she's a dumb-as-shit bitch. Could any living thing, including anything in the insect world, possibly be any dumber? Trawling down Australian beaches with her 'boyfriend' Justin Timberlake tucked under her arm, and a 425-pound bodyguard trailing behind them carrying their Ugg boots? Could someone please smack that dopey smile off her mutantly-oversized cheekboned face? Theenks.

5. Jessica Simpson

Have you ever seen this bitch sing? Her contortions, tics and gulps recall feeding time of the African White Tipped Swallow, sucking down the last remains of its salamander dinner. And nice tan, Jess! I believe you finally have achieved your goal of matching your skin tones and texture to the interior of your Lincoln Navigator. Bitch.

                         
4. Debra Messing

Can someone be worthy of our collective hatred simply for being unspeakingly ugly? In any case, Debra has given us so much more than just her Jappy bovine features to despise. There's her shrill, unfunny weekly performance on Will & Grace, not to mention her mute concubine sperm donor husband, forever standing silently at her side during interviews, probably daydreaming about where he might have misplaced his penis. God I hate that bitch.

3. Jimmy Fallon Hi! I'm lovable Jimmy Fallon. Some people say I look like an off-duty drag queen, but I don't let them get to me. I just turn on my patented style of goofy-nervous-mock-self-deprecation mixed with my trademark ironic-hipster-detachment and ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE with my summer-camp-bonfire-calibre song parodies and incessant laughing at my own hilariousness through every SNL sketch I've ever performed in. Actually, fuck that, now I'm gonna be a movie star 'cause my charisma is so gigantic it needs an IMAX projection and 12 of your dollars to be truly appreciated.

2. Mischa Barton

Okay, now THIS bitch I have had the sorry, sorry experience of having witnessed first hand, in action, last year at the Coachella VIP section, stumbling around drunkenly screaming at her boyfriend.  I would argue that of any single person on television right now, including that woman selling computer lessons on VHS, Mischa Barton has the least talent and is the most annoying. I wonder how much this bitch makes a week to stand there, vacant-eyed and void-brained, making crappy dialogue sound -- astonishingly -- even crappier.

1. Parker Posey

Don't you want to kick this grinning, insane 'indie-Queen' hard, right in her ugly face? What is she?? Where did she come from?? On what basis and with what materials did she manage to build a successful career?? Why do people like her??? I mean, I'm so at a loss, I can't even be funny right now. I can only sit here, stunned at how much she bugs me. Did you see her, "fashion fan Parker Posey," on the Project Runway finale, catatonically chewing the inside of her cheek and mumbling something about texture?? For the love of God. JUST. MAKE. HER. GO. AWAY.

Comments

[Amber]

To put it plainly, you are probably ugly and poor; jealous that some people have talent and you have none. Why don't you post a picture of your poor, jealous, fugly self. But I too hate that fat bitch Star Jones...that is how I found this page. Also, Parker Posey is not as in-your-face-everywhere-you -turn like the others, so if you can't stand her, simply don't watch her movies. Do I really need to add "duh"?

[Feh]

I did post a picture of my poor jealous fugly self! Keep reading to find it! And thanks for making your strong arguments...for or against, I'm not quite sure. But they sure were really strong!

[Tu]

Oh my god, you are too funny. I can't stop laughing!!! I love your top 10 list and agree with you whole heartedly. Regardless of your personal looks, to which so many are baggin' on you for, I couldn't be more happy for you and this site. You totally rock!!! The only thing for me is that I'd place Oprah and Star close to # 1 then you chose to, with Jimmy F., and Parker following closely behind their BIG behinds. Keep up the good work and keep those top 10 bitches we hate a comin'.

[yeah]

star jones is ugly as death itself. now she lost weight she is even more nasty acting. her husband is a fag. he like to hang out with big bitches now she skinny he doesn't like her as much she is competition now.
everyone here in nyc knows her husband is a fag. he loves cock honey.
watch out star i know where you live bitch!

[yeah]

oprah oprah oprah what can i say? you still confused about your sexuality and you still bing eat and you still ugly as hell.
all that money and you still look like aunt jemima.

[michelle]

omg i totally agree with u!!! * except the oprah part....*
but fuck... i fuckin hate mischa barton, so im glad someone is out to shout it out!! u shoulda added paris hilton, that chick fucking sucks!!
KUDOS to you!!

[m]

You are are a stupid C. .T
Sorry but i actually registered just to say i disagree with your comments.
She`s not sooooo bad.
Lets f`n face it.there`s a HELL of a whole lot worse.
Take the obvious BRITTTTTTTNEY.

[m]

An the wan bitch i hate`s the that wont S*****w