Feh.

RIDDLE: WHAT BEAST HAS SIX LEGS AND AGES ABNORMALLY FAST?

ANSWER: CLICK HERE

GREETINGS CITIZENS OF EARTH

WE ARE CALLED COLDPLAY

RELAX AND SUBMIT AS WE PENETRATE YOU WITH OUR GAY, GAY EYES:

The Spatula Confessions

The first new megahotel to hit the Vegas Strip in five years opened its gilded doors early this morning and from the reports, it's a looloo! Steve Wynn's $2.7 billion baby, the Wynn Las Vegas, is the most expensive resort of its kind. It's also a breed even rarer than Siegfried and Roy's boudoir-mates: a tasteful Las Vegas Hotel (its original name, The Oxymoron, tested poorly with focus groups.)

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MSNBC gives us a peek:

While the days of dark, smoky casinos have long passed, Wynn has finally taken full advantage of the sun that illuminates this desert valley. Light pours into many of its spaces, providing a sense of openness.

Vibrant and distinct colors are everywhere from the powerful red carpets with purple and green to the chocolate-brown ceilings.

Wynn Las Vegas, on the northern end of the Las Vegas Strip, also embraces nature. He has built an atrium that connects the property’s two main entrances filled with an array of mums and orchids. Waterfalls dot the front part of the property.

His restaurant, Okada, boasts an authentic Japanese garden with a pond teeming with vegetation found traditionally in Asia.

Other restaurants have patios facing a “Lake of Dreams,” a watery area hidden behind a mountain of evergreen trees.

Well fuck me twice and call me Kả, I do believe I've gone to heaven!

I checked out their website today and was entertained for fractions of hours. It has of lots of men who talk directly to you, and thus makes the perfect companion for the lonely housewife (or blogger).

Upon loading, you get the intimate, bassy tones of Mr. Wynn himself, promising you lots of "surprises" inside. "Go ahead," he purrs, "Have fun. Find the surprises," upon which I got a little over-excited and started playing grabby-hands with my monitor, saying "WHERE! WHERE! ME WANT SURPRISES! WHERE THE PRIZES?!!!"

Skip the boring "Rooms and Suites" section -- yeah, yeah, great views of more hotels, high thread count toilet paper, we get the idea -- and go directly to "Dining," where information is grouped not  by restaurant, but by chef. Click on the various chef faces -- you can start with the ones you think are hot, or, as I did, funny looking -- and they start TALKING to you!!! You can quickly make a Vagina Monologuesesque performance piece ("The Spatula Confessions?") by jumping from chef to chef!!!

Here is just one of an infinite number of variations:

When I graduated from High School I decided that...

My goal is to transport the customer to Italy...

It's like playing a song on piano or guitar...

When I'm in the keechen I'm always on da move.

Ahhh...good times.

Show Us Your Feh!

That's the spirit, kids! That's Doron Goldstein, Stacey Moore, Larissa Spanto and Gerri Damica flipping us the two-winged bird at the Spencer Aernonautic Annual Family Picnic!

Feh. encourages all forms of creative expression utilizing the Feh. logo, per trademark regulations as outlined in our 27-page Corporate Guidelines handbook. So get creative (within the clearly stated limits) and send those suckers in!

These Are The Voyages of the Starship Pedophile

A fascinating and highly disturbing article in today's Los Angeles Times reports on the joint US-Canadian hunt for a pedophilic pornographer and his subject of the past three years, a blonde girl now 12 years old. The most bizarre revelation occurs midway through the piece:

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On one wall is a "Star Trek" poster with investigators' faces substituted for the Starship Enterprise crew. But even that alludes to a dark fact of their work: All but one of the offenders they have arrested in the last four years was a hard-core Trekkie.

Det. Constable Warren Bulmer slips on a Klingon sash and shield they confiscated in a recent raid. "It has something to do with a fantasy world where mutants and monsters have power and where the usual rules don't apply," Bulmer reflects. "But beyond that, I can't really explain it."

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Maybe I can take a stab. Have you ever noticed how much the Vulcan greeting (left) resembles both a prepubescent hoo-ha as well as the universal sign for "two in the goo, two in the poo?"

Wish You Were Dead! And Other Postcard Secrets

Thank you to the always enlightening Towleroad for turning us onto POSTSECRET, probably the most engrossing blog we have come across in some time. An anonymous, communal art project, POSTSECRET encourages people to send in an unsigned, homemade postcard relating one true secret on it. The results range from the hilarious to the sorrowful to the downright astonishing. Click on the link and enjoy. I hope you weren't planning on doing anything else for the next little while.

QUESTION: What Was Paris Is Burning's Original Title?

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ANSWER:  CLICK HERE

Anus Bleaching is the New Black: A Feh Fashion Update

Hello, Cluelissas!

While the bulk of you trendsheep are slathering your bodies in Self-Tanning This and Quick-Darkening That, Nicole Kidman and the rest of us who have a fashion inkling are swinging the H.H. Epidermis to starboard, bleaching our sausage casings to a point just shy of transparency. That’s right-- go get bent and black in Deep Africa, Brad and Angelina, ‘cause Hollywood’s new hottest couple is The Visible Man and Woman!

                          Consider: As documented recently on E!'s Dr. 90210, Anus Bleaching is no longer just relegated to the magical realm of the Flynn Boyle. It's the most popular new cosmetic procedure technique in Hollywood! Why anus bleach, you ask?   Because the last thing you need to toss in your salad is a shitake mushroom, people. Think radish rosette, or better yet, edible white rose petals!

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Consider: Christian Dior’s line of DiorSnow cosmetics. These products are kind of like Crest Strips for your body and are particularly popular at the Koreatown Plaza Mall near my house. Affluent young Korean girls are fearlessly Ziyiging when everyone else is Zhanging, forking over hundreds of dollars to get those stubborn yellow stains out of their skin get a fresher, more Nicole-like complexion.

Here’s just a small sampling of the DiorSnow line, with helpful descriptions:

DiorSnow Ultra-Brightening Whitening Day Essence, 1.7 fl. oz.
$57.00

This sparkling day essence contains Vitamin C and a gently exfoliating marine-based complex that not only brightens but Ultra-brightens the complexion. The results are dazzling: it whitens the skin's surface, reducing dark patches and signs of ethnicity. Your skin looks more luminous. More caucasion. More transparent. Full of life.

..

                                  

Dior Snow Enlightening Whitening Day Essence by Dior, 1.7 oz.
$85.00

This sparkling, whitening, brightening, enlightening day essence dazzlingly whitens your skin, lightening the lustrous essence of the glimmering, shimmering, gleaming surface resulting in a cleaner, lighter, more transparently Anglo-Saxony glow.

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Hello, Cluelissas!

While the bulk of you trendsheep are slathering your bodies in Self-Tanning This and Quick-Darkening That, Nicole Kidman and the rest of us who have a fashion inkling are swinging the H.H. Epidermis to starboard, bleaching our sausage casings to a point just shy of transparency. That’s right-- go get bent and black in Deep Africa, Brad and Angelina, ‘cause Hollywood’s new hottest couple is The Visible Man and Woman!

                          Consider: As documented recently on E!'s Dr. 90210, Anus Bleaching is no longer just relegated to the magical realm of the Flynn Boyle. It's the most popular new cosmetic procedure technique in Hollywood! Why anus bleach, you ask?   Because the last thing you need to toss in your salad is a shitake mushroom, people. Think radish rosette, or better yet, edible white rose petals!

.

Consider: Christian Dior’s line of DiorSnow cosmetics. These products are kind of like Crest Strips for your body and are particularly popular at the Koreatown Plaza Mall near my house. Affluent young Korean girls are fearlessly Ziyiging when everyone else is Zhanging, forking over hundreds of dollars to get those stubborn yellow stains out of their skin get a fresher, more Nicole-like complexion.

Here’s just a small sampling of the DiorSnow line, with helpful descriptions:

DiorSnow Ultra-Brightening Whitening Day Essence, 1.7 fl. oz.
$57.00

This sparkling day essence contains Vitamin C and a gently exfoliating marine-based complex that not only brightens but Ultra-brightens the complexion. The results are dazzling: it whitens the skin's surface, reducing dark patches and signs of ethnicity. Your skin looks more luminous. More caucasion. More transparent. Full of life.

..

                                  

Dior Snow Enlightening Whitening Day Essence by Dior, 1.7 oz.
$85.00

This sparkling, whitening, brightening, enlightening day essence dazzlingly whitens your skin, lightening the lustrous essence of the glimmering, shimmering, gleaming surface resulting in a cleaner, lighter, more transparently Anglo-Saxony glow.

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The Five People You Meet In Coachella

 

This weekend is the Coachella Valley Music Festival, the equivalent of heaven on earth for cutting-edge music lovers. The following is an uplifting tale about the five people you meet when you get there. Feel free to forward it to everyone in your address book so they can print it out and put it on their refrigerators for daily inspiration.

THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN COACHELLA

1. A Member of Polyphonic Spree

…Or so they claim. All you know is that a sweaty, bearded man is waving a tambourine in your face, prancing about in a white tunic with precious else underneath. You ask him where the falafel stand is. He stares at you, blissfully blank-faced, then responds in song, screaming “Sun, sun, sun! Up, up, up! It’s a big, big, big sun and it’s rising up, up, up!” You walk away, confused, annoyed, and still hungry.

2. Andy Dick

Stumbling away from a Chemical Brothers performance in the 120-degree Sahara tent, you seek refuge in the zen-like oasis of the VIP section. That is when you meet Andy Dick…Or so they claim. All you know is that a sweaty, bearded man is waving a tambourine in your face, prancing about in a white tunic with precious else underneath. He then stumbles off to hotbox a Port-o-Potty, licking Seth Greens face on the way. A drunken, barbituated Mischa Barton stops screaming at her boyfriend long enough to say, “God, how embarrassing.”

3. Your Ex

And goddamnit they look fucking hot and who the fuck is that bitch they are with and why of the 30,000 people walking around this gigantic polo field did you have to run into--“Oh! Hey! Yeah! Great shows… Better than last year? Oh, ha. No, I doubt that. Well…uh… Maybe I’ll see you at Bloc Party later? Right. Ha ha. Well, see ya…” They walk away. You decide to skip the Fiery Furnaces, they bug the shit out of you anyway, and you make a beeline for the beer tent.

4. The Most Beautiful Human Being You Have Ever Seen In Your Life

A short time after the sun has descended to just above the mountain range surrounding you, and the sky has turned twenty shades of rose and violet, and a warm wind blows against your skin, and the little yellow pill with a picture of the Tide logo on it has been swallowed and digested, and the first strains of your favorite band come sailing through the towering speakers, you see them: The Most Beautiful Human Being You Have Ever Seen In Your Life. And you wonder if they know it. And you wonder what it would be like, to be with that person, forever. And even if you never speak one word to them, you realize something: you have never been happier in your life.

5. That Dude In The Parking Field You Recognize From The Beginning of the Day Who You Think Parked Near You

Towards the second hour in the search for your car, you move past the denial and anger stages and enter a third, more accepting stage where you realize you will be spending the evening sleeping in a field full of screaming drunk people and cars. It is at that moment that you see him: That Dude In The Parking Field You Recognize From The Beginning of the Day Who You Think Parked Near You, who at this moment also happens to be The Most Beautiful Human Being You Have Ever Seen In Your Life.  You call out to him. He remembers you. It is him. You ask him if he knows where you parked. He does. Minutes later, you find your car.  You apologize to your car for having earlier called it “A Motherfucking Black Honda Civic, the World’s Most Non-Descript Piece of Invisible Shit,” and you caress the dashboard as its dependable engine fires its pistons, carrying you safely back from where you came.

Unusual Phobia of the Day™: The Sound of Chewing

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound...

Of chewing.

From:	"shroomwell" <shroomwell@yahoo.com>
Date:	Fri, 22 Apr 2005 15:22:59 -0000
Subject:	[unusualphobias] Extremely annoyed by eating (chewing) especially gum.

I have an abnormal anxiety of the sound of chewing.  I can deal with
it in public, but not in private with my family  (the only ones who
know about it).  Also I cannot stand gum chewing, when in public
places and I see someone chewing gum, I'll go out of my way to avoid
that person.  I hate being stuck on a bus or airplane near someone
chewing gum.  It makes me very anxious, although not a panic attack, I
am extremely on edge and annoyed.
Am I the only one out there like this.  Sometimes I feel as though it
is controlling my life.  I am not able to have normal relationships
with women.
Any advice would be great, but I am really just looking for support.

Thanks

SEDER PLATES OF THE STARS: An Interactive Passover Game

See if you can guess who these seder plates might belong to!

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Here's the first:

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Here's number two:

Okay, okay those were easy. This next one is a little trickier:

   

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Stumped?

It's Mary-Kate Olsen's!

All right, you have done pretty well so far. Here is your final one. Think carefully now....

Well?

Give up?

It's Madonna's! Esther is SERIOUS about her Jewish holidays!

Feh. Guide to CRASH, The Movies

A motion picture called CRASH is opening next Friday, written and directed by scribe-du-moment Paul Haggis ("Million Dollar Baby") and starring a large cast of A-list talent. You couldn't be blamed, however, if you were to confuse it with the 1996 film of the same name, directed by David Cronenberg and based on the rather twisted novel by J.G. Ballard. Use this handy guide to keep the two straight:

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KEY ART

                     

                   Crash 2005                                                                   Crash 1996

(Note confusingly similar lower-case font.)

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SLUGLINE

CRASH 2005

A provocative, unflinching look at the complexities of racial conflict in America.

CRASH 1996

A scientist craves a suicidal union of blood, semen and engine coolant, a union with which he becomes dangerously obsessed.

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TOP NOTCH ENSEMBLE CAST

CRASH 2005

Brendan Fraser, Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillippe, Thandie Newton

CRASH 1996

James Spader, Holly Hunter, Rosanna Arquette, Elias Koteas, Deborah Kara Ungar

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NUMBER OF SCAR FUCKINGS

CRASH 2005

0

CRASH 1996

1

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NUMBER OF SANDRA BULLOCK PERFORMANCES IN WHICH SHE STAYS CONFINED TO A HOUSE WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT BE VAGUELY AGITATED AND RACIST

CRASH 2005

1

CRASH 1996

0

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STAGED RECREATION OF THE JAYNE MANSFIELD DECAPITATION ACCIDENT?

CRASH 2005

Surprisingly, no.

CRASH 1996

Yes.

Best Week Ever: The Gathering - Character Card: Michael Colton and John Aboud

Yes, I realize it's taken almost two months for another Best Week Ever: The Gathering card to be released, but I can assure you that has nothing to do with laziness and everything to do with increasing the value of the two cards you already own (or the single card you have been trading in an endless loop with the other one). In any case, here is card #3:

Name: Michael Colton and John Aboud

Species: Two-Headed Snarkbeast

Spells: Lampoonism: Able to snare you in an inescapable web of Ivy through the incantation of brainy, smug quips and run-on bits forged in the fires of Mount Harvardor.

Heteromasculocoupledom: Confuse oncomers with an are-they or aren't-they and in-any-case-they-really-should-be paradoxical trance.

Essential/Incidental Scale Score: 9.8 Consistently some of the best material, and delivery, on the show.

Sex Appeal: Separately: Michael: 6. John: 7. Together: 9.6. I mean, c'mon, who wouldn't want to slip between the sheets with these two comedy nerds. They are so cozy together, you just know inside the bedroom they perform like the best jazz combo in history.

Quote:

Michael: Britney Spears announced this week she is pregnant with Kevin Federline's child.

John: (conspiratorily) It's just as the prophecies foretold...

Michael: What?!

John: Nothing!

EXCLUSIVE: STORYBOARD OUTTAKES FROM BRYAN SINGER'S SUPERMAN

Hm. He's definitely taking the franchise interesting places...

Bachelor of the Day™: Me

Once again, Space Shuttle Love has exploded over Cape Romance into a million tiny pieces for your intrepid Sky Captain of Right Now, Feh. The only thing my potential co-pilot (ugh this metaphor is getting old and fast) seemed to like more than yours truly was his hobby of logging into Manhunt.net for hours at a time. Word to you flittering, technosavvy lovebirds out there: Cybercheating has a life-partnered soul-mate named Cyberstalking, and while those two will probably walk hand-in-hand down sunny beaches 'til the end of days, chances are the two of you will not.

So the Bachelor of the Day™ (aka BOD™ -- hot acronym, no?) is ME and I say why not, ol' chum! While it breaks every rule of the BOD™ Bible (namely: I can't know or have met them), my strong feeling is that some Bibles are meant for burning! So raise a glass as we add another to that flaming pile and get me some bootayyy...

LET us go then, you and I, 
When the Friendster profile is spread out against the flatscreen monitor
Like a patient etherised upon a table... and find out what this stud is packing!!! 

Age: 32. I like it. It's a nice solid number. Been around the block, but got a couple more neighborhoods to check out yet.

Hometown: A progressive, cultivated city of love, famed for it's insatiable, hot men. This dude probably speaks a couple languages at least, knows his way around a Bistro menu, and plays a mean game of hockey (you'd be wrong on that last count but let's keep moving along, people, we got a lot of ground to cover.)   

Let's take a look at his picture:

WHOOOA. HE-llo. Now wait a minute-- let's hold on one goddamned second here. WHO is this looker? I mean, even accounting the 15 pounds he may or may not have packed on since it was snapped two years ago, this kid, and stop me if I'm wrong here, but this kid's got something.      

Zodiac sign: Leo. Rowr.

Favorite books: Wow. Impressive list! I bet he's read many of these and heard of or thumbed through many, many others.

Okay, I'm starting to bore myself and you get the picture.

If this burning, oozing, itchy...uh, wait, bad choices.

If this passionate, fiery, inflamed, irritated...goddamnit.

Look if you think I'm hot... and you don't own a computer or have ever heard of Manhunt, give me a buzz. Oh wait, you probably own a computer. Ugh, I can't do this

Unusual Phobia of the Day™: Lingerie

Apparently Victoria's Secret is that she is deathly afraid of the stuff. In this rambling  Ulysses-meets-Lifetime-movie stream of consciousness monologue, a woman who refers to herself only as 'creepygothichorror' relates her terror towards all things frilly and flouncy. A word of warning: this is more disturbing than funny, so you may want to skip it if you're looking for some Monday morning comic relief with your coffee.

apologies to anyone who got a privat e mail from me, i should have realised i could post a group message first. a case of too little sleep.
My phobioa and i kind of dont feel happy or comfortable being brought up to be feminine and have good social graces. That didn't stop though
the ritual degradation this sick world forced on me. sorry if this is t m i,
I have ADHD amongst other things including an epilepsy like condition. Serendipity is what i like to known as as it has a nice free sweet sounding name to it. I have no idea what anyone will think and apologies if the thought is unplesant i am depserately dont wish to be viewed with the thought she is  being unnatural and obscene. *deep breath* i have a lingerie phobia..i
see the shops and the adverts of happy people purchasing, and i deperately wish to be a normal person but its just i think too much
for me. I end up sobbing and heartbroken that i can not be normal. Its led in the past to unmitigated rage against myself and my arms are coverd in scars where i cut myself in desperation of feeling
something. I want so much to be pritty and attractive, but i feel a sense of isolation and self disgust that i could want to be *normal*.I would just love once not to have to want to be anything or wear a  pritty garment to feel normal, its  alot more complex than i have put down but i am sure that i will
feel better for coming clean. apologies to everyone for just putting them off their lunch               -creepygothichorror@yahoo.com

Feh. Returns to LA: Gayest Place on Earth

We're back. We're rested. We're ready to go. Giddeeeyup!

Fucky.: The Blog About Shopping

Pig Spotted at Spotted Pig: Billy Joel and the Mrs.

Okay, I know the title is mean but c'mon, can you blame me? I'm a sucker for a good palindrome (particularly Xanax). Where was I? Oh yes... Enjoying a quiet lunch today in the West Village at a virtually empty Spotted Pig, who should I spy but newly-graduated Betty Ford Center alumnus Billy Joel and his adorable daughter wife, Kate Lee. Billy's doing great--he wasn't crashing an SUV into anything and he seems to have lost a considerable amount of weight, though he still looked like hell warmed-over. Oh-- and speaking of warmed-over things, you have GOT to try their Warm Ginger Cake with Vanilla Cream. To die for.

EXCLUSIVE: The Craigslist Agent-Hatefucking Screenwriter Revealed

It was me :D

Feh. Guide to Humanity

I've found over the years that just about everyone I've ever met can be categorized, more or less, in one of the four following ways:

1. Nice and Smart.

2. Nice and Dumb.

3. Mean and Smart.

4. Mean and Dumb.

Category one, signified by the color green on the 2x2 graph below, are the kind of people you want as your friends.

Category two, the pink quadrant, are the kind of people you might want as supervisors in the workplace, and often too make great friends, especially if you've known them since childhood.

Category three, the red quadrant, are the people you want on your side, say in the workplace or on your Capture the Flag team, but preferably not in a position to which you would be subjugate.

Category four, the blue quadrant, are the people you want nothing to do with under any circumstance.

Feel free to use this simple and useful system in your day to day life. It's fun, and what's more, it works!

Bachelor of the Day: NYC Edition

Hey Singlesters! Today's Bachelor of the Day: NYC Edition is a Manhattan-bound heart-stealer by the name of Dorian Davis. Dorian is 25, which from his photograph I'll assume is Venus-years for 12. And sorry, ladies, this gander's gay as a goose.

Dorian's two listed Affiliations are the peculiar combination of The Republican Party and The Madonna Fan Club, so I imagine his bedside reading involves a sheet-metal-bound limited edition copy of The English Roses and the Kenneth Starr Report.

Under Hobbies, Dorian relates this unfortunate news: "There are actually people who won't speak to me on here because I said that one of my hobbies was overturning Roe vs. Wade." Under Favorite Music he lists a single song, "Nasty Girl" by Nitty, which I can only assume eliminated the rest of the people that were speaking to him.

His About Me is a virtual blueprint to getting in this dude's pants, so read carefully and leave no clue unturned (italics mine):

I like to get drinks on a date, instead of dinner, because chewing saps the momentum of a conversation. My favorite actor is Jack Nicholson. I've seen "Anaconda" over 100 times. I teach a writing class at FIT. I love Tina Turner. I can sing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" in Spanish.

May I suggest dropping something about a "nariz brillante" into the conversation for starters?

TTH: NYC Edition

1. Standing in line for Magnolia Bakery.

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2. New MoMA

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3. Jeffrey

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4. Giant water bugs

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5. The Times' A Night Out With...

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6. Graydon Carter

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7. Moby's teany

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8. Soho House

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9. Lady Liberty

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10. Lady Bunny  (just kidding, Bunny)

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Legend: TTH=Trying Too Hard

Tribute to Neil Rosen: Dumbest Film Critic in History

In the first of several New York-themed entries this week, Feh. will turn its attentions to Neil Rosen, the lisping, mustachioed nincompoop who reviews films on NY-1, the city's ubiquitous all news channel. Neil is a well-meaning dope with the critical faculties and prose skills of a fourth grader, leaving one slightly nonplussed as to how he actually got (and keeps) the high-profile gig. I used to do an impression of him which went something like, "(lisping)...so if you love baseball...and you love romance...then you'll love For Love of the Game," a verbatim quote I have no doubt he is recycling as we speak for Fever Pitch.

Below, Neil's thoughts on the current releases. These are all direct quotes:

On "Sin City":

Bruce Willis plays a grizzled cop who's been searching for a little innocent girl he rescued fifteen years ago. But when he finds her, she's now a stripper played by Jessica Alba.

On "D.E.B.S.":

It's also real easy on the eyes to have four sexy school girls, who in reality are in their twenties, running around in plaid mini skirts fighting crime.

On "Miss Congeniality 2":

I was never a big fan of the original "Miss Congeniality." My kid loved it, but she's 10. So, I didn't really think I'd get any enjoyment out of the new sequel. But, you know, low expectations are sometimes the best way to see a movie.

On "The Upside of Anger":

On the down side some of the action is a bit predictable and the surprise ending, which I won't reveal, is a bit of a stretch and makes a lot of what comes before it a bit convoluted. Still it's the terrific acting that pilots this vehicle and the end result is an excellent date movie.

On "Be Cool":

I never thought that "Get Shorty" was a great movie. I thought it was OK, but nothing really more than that. Well now, after ten years, there's a sequel. It's called "Be Cool," but sadly it's not.

Feeling Lucky, Punk?

I ran across an interesting hypothetical on an internet message board recently, the kind of proposition that someone mentions at a bar and pretty soon has the entire place piping in. Basically, what Gonores of Madison,WI wants to know is...how many five year olds could you take on at once? There are some groundrules though:

Good drunken debate from a few nights ago.

The question:  How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court.  There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup. 
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

I set my magic number at 30, but upon reflection, I think I could take on a few more.  How many could you take on?

Edited by gonores (01/17/05 11:27 PM)

The entire drawn out, disturbingly Sin City-esque debate can be found here.

 

 

Unusual Phobia of the Day™: Video Game Sharks and Alligators (Sometimes Piranhas)

Today's Unusual Phobia of the Day™ comes to us from a young man (age undetermined) who has a deep-seated terror of video game sharks and alligators...and sometimes piranhas. He doesn't specify why some video game piranhas trigger the fear and others do not.
Nor does he expand on why he continues to partake in a completely avoidable panic-attack inducing leisure activity. He does, however, share his other phobias of curiously silent, impotent aliens standing behind him while he watches TV, and bone-breaking, the sight of which makes him vomit on cue.

From: "Thomas" <t_lynn4@...>
Date: Fri Feb 20, 2004  3:47 pm
Subject: i have a fear of video game sharks and alligators(sometimes pirhanas)

i get so freaked out when i'm playing a game where i have to get
passed them, they're always sneaking up on me and i jump when they
come into view. I have to play the level with the sound off.
(Indiana Jones for ps2 is the worst, it has both)

Also I have a fear that an alien is always standing behind me when
I'm watching tv. Only tv, that's wierd, as if that's not wierd in
itself. I've pushed my chair up to a wall, but i still have to look
to my side every now and then.

And my worst phobia is of bones being broken.  It started like 6
years ago when i was watching a 49er game and ken nortan went helmet first into bryant youngs leg and it bent backwords, i through up on
the spot.

Goodbye, Feh.Lay...Hello Feh.nYC!!!

Tomorrow, Feh. will leave sunny (finally...) Los Angeles and report from New York City! I've lived in both and love 'em both, so don't make me choose sides. I know LA has it's detractors, but I've had some amazing experiences out here and the quality of life is better, sorry New York. Then again, nothing beats New York for energy and action. Brendan James Fowler is a young curator working for a gallery on the Chung King Road strip in Chinatown. He made the same move recently, and offered some interesting thoughts on the differences between the two megalopolises.

Celebrities Are Just Like Us! Part 2: The Reckoning

To anyone who accused me of the "Salma Hayek-in-a-John-Kerry-mask-mopping-an-overflowed-toilet-at-Penelope-Cruz's-house" picture being fake, I have one thing to say:

That's Mia Maestro (l), Salma Hayek (center, bent over) and Penelope Cruz (r), takin' care of business,while Pedro Almodovar (background right) keeps his helming hands unsullied.

Bachelor of the Day™: Raja

Sail with me, will you, across the Atlantic to the shores of merry ol' England, and there you will meet our Bachelah O' the Day, Raja!

This 25 year old Islamabad native is a right ol' chap!

Hobbies? You bet he's got 'em: reading books, fishing, looking for friends, cricket, poetry, going out, chatting, and much more.

His About Me gives us a personal philosophy I think few of us could fault:

I AM THINKING THAT LIFE WILL FINSHED BUT GOOD MEMORIES WILL NOT BE FINISHED.EVERY ONE KNOWS THAT LIFE WILL FINISHED ONE DAY THAN WHY NOT WE WILL DO SOME GOOD WORKS THAT WILL MAKES US REMEMBERABALE.

Know what, Raja? I am thinking the very same things!

Unusual Phobia of the Day: Molehills

...Wherein I flex every existing muscle in my body in an attempt at not making a lame pun involving "Making a mountain of" and simply relate to you the unusual case of the Englishwoman who inexplicably flies into fits of terror as she passes those little mounds of dirt...not to mention any clusters of holes in general:

Hi all, I'm new here.
I just wanted to share my completely irrational fear of molehills,
you know the little mounds of earth dug up by moles. Near where I
live (Wiltshire, UK) is a place called Woodhenge, a less famous
landmark than Stonehenge. Just by it is a piece of grass that is
inundated with the most mind-numbing amount of molehills that I have
ever seen. I cannot look at it as I drive past and it makes me
incredibly uncomfortable knowing that they are all there. I think I
would be less bothered if there was just one, but because the ground
is totally saturated with them it makes it all the more terrifying.
I've been wondering what it is about them that scares me so much and
I think it's the fact that they might be hollow (i.e. an animal has
dug the earth out so the bit under it is hollow and labyrinthine) and
also the fact that an animal (particularly an animal I don't know
much about) has been under them and could be still living there.
I'm not fond of "clusters" in general. Someone once cited on here a
fear of holes e.g. where seeds in a pepper had been and now weren't.
I totally identify and I think it's a similar kind of thing.

                                                      -Katy Wilson" <petalflower1986@...>

Rich and Feh.mous Part 2

Okay, I promise I won't keep posting every time I get linked to by a big site, but this is getting exciting, people! I have so little, just give me this moment! *cue Kelly Clarkson*

My Pope fashion piece has been linked to LA.com's Clothes Hoarse site!

(U2√Gershon) ∙ tinybono = VIP

BREAKING!!! THIS JUST IN!!!

From the assistant of a bigtime Hollywood Lifetime TV Movie producer who shall remain nameless....a detailed account of the starstudded backstage madness at last night's sold out U2 concert at Staples Center:

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SethLyon: give me u2 gossip
WomanNPeril: not much to give. bono is very short. the edge is very nice. brad pitt was very tall. gina gershon was very huggy

There you have it. Bullet points:

• short
• nice
• tall
• huggy

Once we're on the subject of U2, has anyone else noticed how much that song Vertigo sounds like You Keep My Hangin' On by the Supremes?

Set Me Free Why Doncha Babe/ Hello Hello

Get out of my life why doncha babe/ I'm at a place called vertigo

Cause you dont really love me/ It's everything

You just keep me hangin' on/ I wish I didn't know

Rich and Feh.mous

I love Hollywood. You can go to bed one night knowing the only people on the planet following your blog are two very pretty, very lonely Indonesian boys named Leilee and Pho and wake up the next morning to find you've been linked to on Defamer.com and have gotten over 5000 hits in one night. 5000!!! That's like a frickin' Dixie Chicks concert! I'm a frickin' Dixie Chick!

Feh. Fashion: Tribute to Il Papa, Style Icon

Welcome to a long-overdue Feh. Fashion update.

The world said a sad farewell to the Pope this weekend. We all know he was a shining beacon of love and serenity, but he was something else:

A fierce, ahead of the curve fashionista!

Consider: Even from an early age, John Paul wasn't following trends, he was establishing them. In this A-line day-to-night camisole, the first, next and last words are ruffles, ruffles, ruffles. Hm, Monsieurs Dolce and Gabbana, I wonder where you came up with the inspiration for your Fall 2005 Women's RTW line...

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Not 6 years later, a Communion ceremony saw little Karol Josef in this cutting edge white-on-white Victorian Punk dandy suit with floral applique:

Nice try, Yohji Yamamoto, but I think the Pontiff beat you by about, oh I don't know, 80 odd years:

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A little later in his young life, Karol Jozef Wojtyla shows up his gradeschool mates in a formfitting black military peacoat.

Paging Mr. Jacobs! Paging Mr. Marc Jacobs....

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Finally, we here have a handsome, outdoorsy Pope in his 30s, shaving in the woods, wearing a well-tailored neo-prep cotton shortsleeve button down and black canvas sneakers.

Color-me copycat, Marc by Marc Jacobs!!!

Celebrities Are Just Like Us!

They drunkenly mop up overflowed toilets in John Kerry masks at parties at Penelope Cruz's house! That's Salma Hayek doing an impromptu interpretive agitprop performance piece about the aftermath of the 2004 presidential election. You'll just have to trust me on this one. It's Salma. My friend Deep Pockets took it.

Luke, You Need A Shower

As I type this, there are at least 60 people camped on the Hollywood Boulevard sidewalk outside Grauman's Chinese Theater. Big movie opening? You betcha-- Star Wars!!

This weekend?

Nope, try six weeks from now.

 

Wait! It gets better!
They are answering the pay phone! Call (323) 462-9609 and tempt whoever answer away from the filthy, concrete planet of Nerdor with breathless offers of lightsaber polishing.

An intrepid reader of boingboing.net reports:

Abby sez, "Just spoke to a nice guy in line named Elliot. He's 21 and got laid off from his job in January, so he's got the time to hang out in line. He says there is a site that's going up today, www.liningup.net that will have webcams and whatnot. The deal is, you sign up whenever you're in line, and the amount of time you spend in line determines your number in line when it opens. Right now, it's 46 days away. When I said goodbye, he said, 'Bye, and may the force be with you.'

UPDATE:

Use the phone, you must, before choosing which theater to camp out in front of, young Skywalker. Turns out the premiere will be at the Arclight, not the Chinese. Responsible parties will be thrown into the belly of the all-powerful Sarlaac, where they will find a new definition of pain and suffering as they are slowly digested over a thousand years.

Okay FINE I AM A CLOSET STAR WARS GEEK: REVENGE OF THE SETH.

http://www.liningup.net/mb/viewtopic.php?t=6239&start=169

New Feature: Unusual Phobia of the Day

I've long been a member of the Yahoo newsgroup Unusual Phobias. I find them fascinating and hilarious. For every concept or thing, I can promise you there is someone whose skin crawls at the thought of it. So I thought I'd start sharing some of these gems with you, from the mouths of the frightened babes themselves.

Today's entry: Cottonballs.

Ok I now know that I am not the only one who has this weird phobia of
cotton balls becuase I acutally did some research and there is a site
where all people do is post how much they hate them.  I can't hold
them, or anything.  They feeling of them makes my skin crawl, shiver,
and just tense up.  I can't take the cotton out of medicine bottles,
and I won't even look at it, I have to have my mom or someone else do
it for me.  Recently it has pregressed to Q-Tips as well.  If I am
using them and they start to tear apart, I freak out.  Just talking
about it makes me irk.  They squeek, sometimes talking about it makes
my stomach turn.  We were learning how to do CPR and there were 6 HUGE
piles of cotton balls in front of each one of the dummies and rubbing
alcohol to wipe them down when we were done, and I cried just becuase I
knew that I was going to have to touch them.  I have been trying to
find out the real name of this phobia, and anyone else out there who is
just as weird as I am.  Feel free to respond to this.  I have also read
that this could be tied to my ADHD or hypersensitivity, but I don't
know.  Let me in on your thoughts.

                                  -"hannah" <frozentuthpaste@yahoo.com>