Feh.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!! I LOVE HER!!!

PEPSICO CFO Indra Nooyi's Remarks To Columbia Business School's Graduating Class: First Draft

This analogy of the human body as the five major continents leaves the cock for North America, and, in particular, the United States. As the source of all male power and capabilities for sheer awe-inspiring size and girth, plus its ability to shoot loads of hot, life-producing, tasty jizz, the cock is truly the single most important and impressive area of the human anatomy, and the area towards which every other part of the body works hard to satisfy. This is a really good thing, and has given the U.S. a leg-up in global business since the end of World War I.

However, if used inappopriately - just like the U.S. itself - the cock can fuck and fuck you good, and that can get us in trouble. You know what I'm talking about. Hard, right in the ass. Discretion being the better part of valor...I think I'll pass on demonstratin

Try maybe feet-- continents toes?

World = mouth....countries are the teeth?

Keep THINKING Indra...you're almost there...

Feh Trendwatch™: Grrrls That Go Vrrroom

What is it about a good grrlpower story that makes my heart swell so? This week had not one but two fascinating Big Media profiles about champion female race car drivers, qualifying it as a legitimate Trend™ and thus bringing the checkered flag down on the inevitable dash towards its oversaturation and ultimate rusty demise, with pitstops at ‘SlowNewsweek’ cover story and a finish line marked by the premiere of a Ron Howard-directed biopic.

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But 'til then, it’s just plain inspiring:

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The New York Times has arguably the more incredible of the two stories, as the driver in question, Laleh Seddigh, is a gorgeous 28-year old Iranian living in Tehran. Yes, Tehran.

Last fall, she petitioned the national auto racing federation in this male-dominated society for permission to compete against men. When it was granted, she became not only the first woman in Iran to race cars against the opposite sex, but also the first woman since the Islamic Revolution here to compete against men in any sport. What's more, she beat them. In March, she moved the nation when she won the national championship. State television refused to show the new champ on the victory dais elevated above the men, but photographers captured the moment. She stood quietly while receiving her medal, as she had promised the race organizers she would, with a scarf over her long black hair and a coat over her racing uniform.

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Her effect on the crowd is part Gloria Steinem, part Elvis:

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It is only in recent years that women have even been allowed to watch men's sports. At her first race, women were screaming and climbing up the fences, Ms. Seddigh said, and that worried the organizers. "The committee said, 'Please, don't make the audience excited,' " she said. For the championship, she had to agree not to wave to the crowd, a third of whom by this point were women.

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Meanwhile, fuscia head scarf-free but no less alluring Danica Patrick gets the Los Angeles Times profile treatment, the first woman in the history of the Indy 500 to actually have a shot at winning.

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America's newest racing find, a 23-year-old rookie driver from Roscoe, Ill., earned her place among the favorites for the May 29 race last Sunday when she qualified fourth — and came within a bobble of winning the pole for the 89th running of the 500. She might seem too tiny — barely 5 feet 2 and 100 pounds — but she knows how to control a 650-horsepower machine at speeds up to 230 mph around a 2 1/2 -mile race track as well as any man here.

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Feh knows not from racing cars. Feh has trouble finding where to put the windshield wiper stuff into the thingie under the thingie. But all we can say is that reading about all these babes and wheels is quickly bringing out the horny American male in our faggy Canadian selves! Time to finally get that subscription to Tailgate Magazine!!!

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN MIDDLE SCHOOL AV CLUB'S ANNUAL UPFRONTS ROUNDUP INTERPRETATIVE PRESENTATION

 

I Ask For Your Vote On Tuesday

Dear Feh,

I heart Los Angeles. It has already given me so much -- a strong education, a loving family, a lifelong career in public service, the ability to see through solid objects (that are see-through), and an insatiable bloodlust that can no longer be satisfied merely by regular after-dark goat ravishings.

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That's why I have set out an ambitious new vision for LA, because besides in Jesus, I also believe the Mayor must have a plan for the future. My plan for the future involves building a time machine by which I can travel to it and see what it looks like. I want to encourage increased baby-making, and will incentivise this baby-making through special baby-making incentives. I want to make Los Angeles safer and greener by requiring all new buildings to be made with green Nerf™. I want to create better jobs for our workers and better leisure activities for our non-workers. I want to provide better health care. I want to provide affordable housing for our families. I want to do a lot of things but I’m only one man and you haven’t even elected me yet so back off, pushy!

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I know this has been a tough and negative campaign, but I pledge on my first day in office to begin to bring our city together for real, positive change, that positive change being my rise to uncontestable power.

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Los Angeles deserves a better Mayor than “Stinkyface” Hahn. Stinkyface don’t dream big, Stinkyface don’t got bold ideas, and Stinkyface got no ambitious vision for the future. Stinkyface don’t even got no time machine plan! Wouldn’t you rather a strong singer and fantastic dancer with a proven record of accomplishment who will roll up his sleeves and even his pants if need be and work hard to fix our city's problems, large, small and even medium? I know I would. And I’m not even a regular person. I am a charismatic city councilman! So you should listen to me on this issue! I know from qualified candidates!

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As Mayor, I pledge to work with you and all of our neighbors to build a better Los Angeles, with more sample sales and frequent whipped coffee drink buyer’s cards for all. But I need your help to do it.

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I ask for your vote on Tuesday, May 17th!

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You are receiving this message as a registered voter. If you do not wish to receive any more email messages from our campaign, please click here and we will remove you from our list.

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To make our city a better place, we must restore the people's trust in Me. After four long years of waste, fraud, and scandal, I am committed to getting myself back on track and making me Mayor I believe is probably a big step in that direction. Because let's be clear: Hollywood loves a comeback.

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I am proud to have received the endorsements of United Teachers For An East Coast Los Angeles, the majority of patrons at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and LaBrea last Thursday night, as well as many other individuals & organizations whose names I no longer recall.

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But today, I am asking you for the most important endorsement of all: your vote.

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I look forward to working with you to build a better Los Angeles and an even better me!

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Sincerely,

Antonio Villaraigosa

A Fun, Furry 'Fuck You!' To Your Co-Op Neighbors

Here's a game-- See how many words you can get into this New York Times article before you find yourself wanting to bring grave physical harm to the nearest cat and/or cat owner:

DARJEERLING and Bunnicula are two kittens who prefer shrimp cocktails and steak frites to pet food. They sleep on Burberry beds in their Greenwich Village apartment and wore matching crystal-studded collars until a few weeks ago, when they chewed off all the stones.

Okay, now, how did you do? I got to 'Bunnicula,' which gives me a score of 3. Don't fuck with Bunnicula though. She cut you, Whitey. This ain't no regular crystal-stone-shitting tabby. She's a Savannah--half housecat, half cunty African jungle cat called a 'serval' (as in 'whip out the foie gras bitch or I'll serval your nuts to you on a Ritz cracker, Cracker.' *phwick, phwick*).

These little monsters grow to twice the size of a regular cat, are totally illegal in Manhattan and have special baby-eating abilities. They also run in the 8-10K area cost-wise, which explains why they are the MUST HAVE BREED of the season among Xtreme Cat Ladies.

"If I have to move to New Jersey to keep these cats, I will," said their owner, a 29-year-old hedge fund analyst who equates life in downtown Manhattan with life itself. "That's how much I love them," she said, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.

The Times later printed a Correction, saying she was in fact a 'Hedge Fun' analyst, which meant she likes to carefully watch her kitties skip in the bushes.

COMING THIS SUMMER TO FEH.

The Most Offensive Photo on Friendster. Ever.

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Feel free to use that 'report user' button conveniently located underneath.

But whatever you do. Do. Not. Laugh.

Germany unveils haunting memorial to murdered Jews: "God's Keyboard"

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New England Journal of Medicine: The Effect of Nutsack Stench on the Gay Male Brain

According to the New York Times today, researchers at the Swedish

Noshitsherlock Institute have announced this earth-shattering

discovery today about gay brains:

For Gay Men, Attraction to A Different Kind of Scent

By: Nicolas Wade

Using a brain imaging technique, Swedish researchers have shown that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to two odors that may be involved in sexual arousal, and that the gay men respond in the same way as women.

         Really Professor Shmørgeebørgee? Well fiddle dee dee, that's

fascinating! Do these jeans make me look fat? Why can't we just stop

and ASK someone for directions?? Professor Shmørgeebørgee, you come

home from the Institute and IGNORE ME, and DON'T EVEN ASK ME ABOUT

MY DAY!!!! *running out of room flailing arms, sobbing*

         Sorry, I'm back now. I feel so much better after a good cry. In light

of these findings, I thought I'd share some of the scientific research

from the study. Fascinating stuff.

According to the New York Times today, researchers at the Swedish

Noshitsherlock Institute have announced this earth-shattering

discovery today about gay brains:

For Gay Men, Attraction to A Different Kind of Scent

By: Nicolas Wade

Using a brain imaging technique, Swedish researchers have shown that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to two odors that may be involved in sexual arousal, and that the gay men respond in the same way as women.

         Really Professor Shmørgeebørgee? Well fiddle dee dee, that's

fascinating! Do these jeans make me look fat? Why can't we just stop

and ASK someone for directions?? Professor Shmørgeebørgee, you come

home from the Institute and IGNORE ME, and DON'T EVEN ASK ME ABOUT

MY DAY!!!! *running out of room flailing arms, sobbing*

         Sorry, I'm back now. I feel so much better after a good cry. In light

of these findings, I thought I'd share some of the scientific research

from the study. Fascinating stuff.

The Museum of Girls Going 'Whoo!'

 

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Did You Mean: Donna Summer Pants

FEH SNAPSHOT

How people are Googling their way to Feh:

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A closer look:

The Encyclopedia of Hollywood Lesbian Hairdos

The Carolyn

After a long day of dealing with multi-zillion dollar budget overages on Rome, do you really need to worry about what the hell is going on above your headache? I didn’t think so. So do as Carolyn did: keep it so butchingly short it makes your male lead look like your girlfriend!

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The Cherry

More than the sum of its utilitarian mullet parts, this shoulder-tickler screams legitimate theater cred.

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The Ellen

The classic Hollywood Power Lesbian cut, this dirty blonde wash n’ go classic suits a wide range of square jawed Sapphies just fine, thank you! Even formerly brunette kd lang armcandy and L Word player Leisha Hailey is getting in on the act!

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The Laurel Canyon

“That’s me with Bruce Springsteen. That’s me with Keith Richards. And that’s me with a fabulous sunkissed laissez-faire bohemian ‘do, mussed to perfection by hours of rolling around in a Chateau Marmont suite with my son’s fiancée.”

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The Michelle

Slightly harder to maintain than the others, it’s the hot new cut among aspiring Next Top bisexual wrestler/model/whatevers—sort of Bride of Frankenstein eating a Foster's Freeze Twisty Cone on the African Savannah.

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The Nina

What is the Touchstone of a sensible Hollywood powerdo? If you said Labradoodle helmet hair, you're not far off. Take note, aspiring Lesecutives: you never forget who's got the biggest balls on the Disney lot when Nina strolls by, proudly sporting her short n' curlies!

The Portia

Whispy, curly, bouncy, flouncy: The Portia is the last word in Sunset Strip Lipstick Lezploits.

The Carolyn

After a long day of dealing with multi-zillion dollar budget overages on Rome, do you really need to worry about what the hell is going on above your headache? I didn’t think so. So do as Carolyn did: keep it so butchingly short it makes your male lead look like your girlfriend!

.

The Cherry

More than the sum of its utilitarian mullet parts, this shoulder-tickler screams legitimate theater cred.

.

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.

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The Ellen

The classic Hollywood Power Lesbian cut, this dirty blonde wash n’ go classic suits a wide range of square jawed Sapphies just fine, thank you! Even formerly brunette kd lang armcandy and L Word player Leisha Hailey is getting in on the act!

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The Laurel Canyon

“That’s me with Bruce Springsteen. That’s me with Keith Richards. And that’s me with a fabulous sunkissed laissez-faire bohemian ‘do, mussed to perfection by hours of rolling around in a Chateau Marmont suite with my son’s fiancée.”

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The Michelle

Slightly harder to maintain than the others, it’s the hot new cut among aspiring Next Top bisexual wrestler/model/whatevers—sort of Bride of Frankenstein eating a Foster's Freeze Twisty Cone on the African Savannah.

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The Nina

What is the Touchstone of a sensible Hollywood powerdo? If you said Labradoodle helmet hair, you're not far off. Take note, aspiring Lesecutives: you never forget who's got the biggest balls on the Disney lot when Nina strolls by, proudly sporting her short n' curlies!

The Portia

Whispy, curly, bouncy, flouncy: The Portia is the last word in Sunset Strip Lipstick Lezploits.

LOOKBOOKING

Every magazine has that feature you turn to first. Playboy has the centerfold. US has Celebrities Are Just Like Us! And Adam Moss' revamped New York Magazine now has the 'Look Book', which I guess is shorthand for 'People of New York, kindly mock me to within an inch of my existence.'  Over the course of two gleefully-sadistic pages, one unlucky, spotlight-hungry local soul is reproduced in glorious three-color, with accompanying 'I think I'll bury myself deeper!' interview. The rest of the week pretty much becomes a city-wide joke-off, a heart-warming, neighbor-hugging, post 9-11 Manhattan phenomenon I like to refer to as Lookbooking. This week, however, the task was as easy as shooting a veal in a 2x4 stall (left).

He's Totally In My Face

It’s been a hard year for anyone who has ever had a childhood. First Bugs Bunny and his Looney Tunes friends get a 21st century makeover that apparently involved a ten by ten sheet of seriously rancid acid and several long, deep goes at the crack-bong.  

Then Cookie Monster goes all Atkins on our ass, singing the utterly depressing “A Cookie is a Sometimes Food,” [um NO, it ISN’T] his sexy, husky, googley-eyed blue furriness replaced with one of those disturbing creasy protein faces you usually associate with personal trainers and tanning salon attendees. It would seem we are being overrun by real life Poochies. You remember Poochie...

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Itchy: Look, Scratchy, it's our new friend, Poochie.

Scratchy: What's that name again? I forgot.

Poochie: The name's Poochie D.

And I rock this telly.

I'm half Joe Camel

and a third Fonzarelli.

I'm the kung-fu hippie.

From gangsta city.

I'm a rappin' surfer.

You the fool I pity.

Scratchy: Oohh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.

Itchy: He's totally in my face

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A Feh Hero's Salute, then, to Thomas Adams, an 11-year old Tulsa native who is mad as hell, and who isn't going to take it anymore! This all-American soundbite machine and his online petition - Save Our Looney Tunes - have become CNN darlings, amassing over 163,000 signatures and the attentions of Warner Bros. executives. In a delightful bit of backpeddling, it appears they have disembarked from their evil Willy Wonka boat tour long enough to reconsider their brilliant brainstorm of replacing the loveable classic cast of characters with a series of ear sharpened, tooth gnashing, pupil-free 28th century space murderers.

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Thomas, m'boy, you indeed rock!

It’s been a hard year for anyone who has ever had a childhood. First Bugs Bunny and his Looney Tunes friends get a 21st century makeover that apparently involved a ten by ten sheet of seriously rancid acid and several long, deep goes at the crack-bong.  

Then Cookie Monster goes all Atkins on our ass, singing the utterly depressing “A Cookie is a Sometimes Food,” [um NO, it ISN’T] his sexy, husky, googley-eyed blue furriness replaced with one of those disturbing creasy protein faces you usually associate with personal trainers and tanning salon attendees. It would seem we are being overrun by real life Poochies. You remember Poochie...

.

Itchy: Look, Scratchy, it's our new friend, Poochie.

Scratchy: What's that name again? I forgot.

Poochie: The name's Poochie D.

And I rock this telly.

I'm half Joe Camel

and a third Fonzarelli.

I'm the kung-fu hippie.

From gangsta city.

I'm a rappin' surfer.

You the fool I pity.

Scratchy: Oohh, Poochie is one outrageous dude.

Itchy: He's totally in my face

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A Feh Hero's Salute, then, to Thomas Adams, an 11-year old Tulsa native who is mad as hell, and who isn't going to take it anymore! This all-American soundbite machine and his online petition - Save Our Looney Tunes - have become CNN darlings, amassing over 163,000 signatures and the attentions of Warner Bros. executives. In a delightful bit of backpeddling, it appears they have disembarked from their evil Willy Wonka boat tour long enough to reconsider their brilliant brainstorm of replacing the loveable classic cast of characters with a series of ear sharpened, tooth gnashing, pupil-free 28th century space murderers.

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Thomas, m'boy, you indeed rock!