War of the Squirts: Manners to Be Put Back In

In what will forever be referred to in Scientology Scriptures as INCIDENT III, Tom Cruise was squirted in the face with a trick microphone at Sunday's London premiere of War of the Worlds.

From this morning's London Times:

The star struggled to maintain his composure and rounded on the man, saying, "Why would you do that ... why would you do that ... why would you do that?" As the prankster offered a barely audible excuse, Cruise said, "Do you like thinking less of people, is that it?"

Reports have started to trickle in as to what that barely audible excuse was, and they vary wildly:

1. "Evil Galactic Emperor Xenu made me do it."

2. "I wanted to wipe that smug, 'I'm the biggest star in the world' grin off your annoying, brainwashed face."

3. "Here's a washcloth courtesy of GlaxoSmithKline, makers of Paxil™."

4. "No harm meant, mate. That's how we say 'Happy Sham Engagement' in England!"

5. "Love, Chris Klein."

Scotland Yard is treating this as seriously as if the attack with the large, face-drenching phallic object were an actual weapon:

The man was escorted away by security guards and taken inside the cinema where he and the three other members of his freelance camera crew were arrested. "They are being investigated in relation to an alleged assault on Mr Cruise," he said. "It was just water, but that can be very alarming when it comes from a crowd out of nowhere."

The High Priests of Scientology are themselves holding closed-door, around-the-clock, Koo Koo Roo-catered meetings, to decide what actions the Church will be taking. Activating all volcanoes in and around London, flattening Big Ben with the Mothership's laser cannons, and, most ominously, engaging Level VII of The Graham Norton Effect have all been reportedly discussed.