Horrifying, End-of-Civilization Televised Images: Big Brother 6 Premieres Tonight

Ever wonder what it's like to be Les Moonves? I certainly do. In fact I play Viacom Honcho every night before I go to bed with my Fisher Price characters (Jeff Zucker is represented by a long-ago-decapitated and very naked Barbie doll).

Once a year, however, everyone can imagine what it's like to truly be Les: starting tonight, we get to spend approximately 11 live programming hours a week with his main squeeze Julie Chen, as she hosts the sixth incarnation of that Yearly-Breaking-of-the-Seventh-Reality-Seal, Big Brother.

Just look at her: the windblown hair, the smokey seductive eyes, the pearls as white as her pearly whites. This is what 8 gazillion dollars and all the power in the media universe buys you (is it any wonder I use a My Little Pony Butterfly Island Sunny Scent Apple Spice Pony as her playtime avatar?) For those who question whether these qualities can be 'bought', I direct you to Good Plastic Surgery's before and after Julie pictures.

Big Brother 6 has been billed as a "summer of secrets", which immediately evoked memories of Y Wooden Acres 1983, the arts and crafts shed, and a certain Counsellor-In-Training who shall remain nameless (Hey, J.T.! I'll never forget the pottery wheel!)

From today's Boston Herald:

The biggest "secret" consists of a pretty interesting twist on previous incarnations: This time, there are 14 houseguests in the "Big Brother" house -- the largest number ever -- but the contestants are not competing solo. Each resident is secretly teamed with a friend or family member, but contestants are supposed to try to make it through the competition without letting on that they are part of a team. Each team is led to believe that it's the only pair in the house.

If two members of the same team end up being the final two residents in the house, the overall winner of the show will get $1 million. If a duo does not make it to the end of the three-month competition, the winner will take home a measly $500,000.

Get all that? No? You lost interest midway through the explanation and stopped reading? Me too! Welcome to the magic of Big Brother! It's going to be a summer to remember people! You, me, Julie, headless Barbie, the 16 residents of the Big Brother house and the memories of our collective homoerotic sexual awakening at the Y Wooden Acres pottery wheel. Someone bring the Cheese-O's! The show's starting!

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