Rockstar:INXS VS Watching Your Parents Have Anal Sex: The Ultimate Cringe-Off

Dave Navarro, everyone's favorite desperate-to-be-on-TV-wispily-facial-haired female-to-male-post-op-transexual, has found the perfect outlet for his particular brand of Lookatmeitis in CBS’ newest reason to hang yourself on a hotel room doorknob reality TV sensation, Rock Star: INXS. Squatting high atop his box-seated perch, aqua blouse parted seductively wide, fingernails painted mysteriously black, gauntlet laced teasingly tight, fu-manchu waxed dangerously pointy, the Electra-penetrator gleefully holds court as 14 aspiring rock vocalists jump through poodle hoops to please him and the surviving middle-aged members of INXS in a search for their new Michael Hutchence (can you name one besides Michael Hutchence?) The performances range from decent to tolerable to ‘Please God Let Me Keep Touch, Taste and Smell, You Can Take The Rest.’ Common choreographic motifs include the ‘wavy snake movement with arm’ move, the ‘point index finger repeatedly at no one in particular’ move and its Yang, the ‘summon with index finger repeatedly at no one in particular’ move. To the fellow who performed ‘Take Me Out’, I couldn’t agree more with the title of your song choice; maybe try Cirque de Soleil—they love the faggy-ass theatrical windmill arm shit. As for the chicks: you sent me running for my Yeah Yeah Yeah’s records to profess my everlasting love to Karen O. The judges may also want to rethink mouthing along with every lyric, playing their corresponding air-instrument, and bouncing up and down along with the audience. It made Simon Cowell’s refusal to dance or even appear to be having a mildly good time on American Idol seem like the wisest decision ever made by anyone to have a television camera pointed at them.