BREAKING: Paula Absolved

A just released statement from FOX found the weepy Maroulis-adoring seal-clapper innocent:

Lawyers who investigated claims by former contestant Corey Clark of a sexual relationship with Abdul could not substantiate his allegations, Fox said.

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FOX did not want to RUSH RUSH to judgement, and so sponsored the probe, which found the claims against Ms. Abdul falsely COLD HEARTED. As a result, she will not be KNOCKED OUT of the competition, and will continue her judging duties STRAIGHT UP to next season's finale, and possibly beyond. In a statement, Ms. Abdul told reporters "This is CRAZY COOL. It's impossible to BEND TIME BACK AROUND, but this decision provides the PROMISE OF A NEW DAY. THE WAY THAT YOU LOVE ME gives me the strength to go on." She then spent several minutes posing for photographs and BLOWING KISSES IN THE WIND. She then boarded a window-tinted Humvee with her close friends VIBEOLOGY and MEGAMIX MEDLEY by her side.