Gwyneth to Jennifer: Be More Like Me

Time Magazine, number one favorite periodical among America's fathers and just about no one else, gets up close and personal with Apple's Number One Nipple this week, resulting in Gwyneth Paltrow announcing to the world that she's pretty much ready to drop dead:

"Everything I wanted to achieve, I achieved," she says, all legs and elbows and neck and tiny little daisy head propped in a poolside chair. "I'm not one of those people who keeps raising the bar."

To be sure, this pile of legs, elbows, necks and daisy heads (why does this description unsettlingly evoke a poultry butcher sooner than a movie star's swimming pool?) couldn't be more content and complete. Her stardom achieved, her adorable if somewhat gay-eyed rockgod husband hooked and spliced, her literally-named womb-fruit produced, it would appear irrefutable that any mistakes and unpleasantness are long behind her:

In fact, ever since she and Brad Pitt broke off their engagement in 1997, Paltrow has trod gingerly on the subject of her men. "I learned my lesson at 24," she says. "It would be a lot easier on Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston now," she says, "had they not talked to the press about each other and everything to begin with."

Got that, Jen? Gwyneth says if you want some of this:

Elsewhere in the house, Paltrow's husband is giving an impromptu Coldplay concert on the piano for Apple, who plinks in a few discordant additions. Paltrow giggles.

...you should quit wondering out loud what kind of pathetic cliche your life has become and just shut your fat yap.