Martha Stewart Makes Joke: Tilts Earth Off Axis, Sends Planet Hurtling Towards Sun

Tried and true Feh readers already know that my relationship to Martha Stewart runs way deeper than merely All-Powerful-Fork-Tongued-Doyenne-of-Things-Holiday-Craftlike /Starry-Eyed-Faggot-Afar. Our precious, shared late-Summer moments contained all the bittersweet, delicate textures of an Alpine Strawberry Napoleon with Eberhard (if they are unavailable, regular strawberries are suitable for substitution.)

So it is not with disinterest that I follow reports of her upcoming NBC reality competition, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. In this week's Newsweek, an intrepid reporter chases, and for one electrifying moment appears to indeed capture, the elusive Golden Scoop--namely, the content of her self-chosen dismissal catchphrase:

"What I really wanted to say is, 'Your a-- is grass!' "

But what sort of grass? Pampas grass, grown for its distinctive silvery white plumes flushed with pink and held on very tall stems above narrow, arching leaves arranged in a loose mound? Or feather reed grass, that tidy, dependable clump forming perennial?

Wait, wait. Debate's off. They quickly slip in this disappointing bit of fine-print:

She lets out a huge laugh. "That's a joke!"

There are 117 things wrong with that sentence. First off, Martha doesn't make jokes. She makes hazelnut ganaches and New Mexico-themed Christmas wreaths. Secondly, she doesn't laugh. She does make a sound the two times a year she finds something amusing, but that would best be described as a lower-pitched Manatee rutting cry.

The Associate Press also reports today that her daughter Alexis and board chairman Charles Koppelman will be on-screen advisers on the show, fulfilling the Executive Tuchuslecher roles made famous by Carolyn and George in the Trump version.

“No one knows me better than Alexis and she understands my way of conducting business and dealing with people,” said Stewart in a statement. “Charles brings the expertise of a legendary entrepreneur to the conference room each week.”

This is the same Alexis who, in response to Larry King's question about her reaction to her mother's guilty verdict, said:

"I actually fainted. Nobody really knows that, but it was so horrifying and incomprehensible that I fainted. And even the people around me didn't know."

If I have ever heard a statement to make the mouths of NBC Reality Promo editors water, that's it, though she better keep her boardroom blackouts very, very detectable. How does one faint undetectably, anyhow? Martha 2.0 has talents I didn't even know existed!

More quotes here, including her assertion that she is a "better cook and more of a perfectionist than my mother."

Yo, Mom.

Watch your back.