Feh.

Death Becomes Her

Is it just me or does it look like Nicole Richie put her head on backwards?

"Release The Films."

Photo thanks to Defamer via Variety.

American Idol, International Male

Paula Abdul, the Karen Silkwood of California manicure hygiene reform, has proven herself to be a tough little cockroach. She emerged from scandalous accusations of a sexual tryst with a suspiciously cornrowed American Idol contestant largely unscathed. Her show is the undisputable top of the TV crapheap, asking, and getting, unprecendented numbers for a 30-second spot. And now, the sometimes-perky, sometimes-K-holed 43-year old differently-abled-clapper has something to really cheer about: 6'2" of marble-carved mancake!

Paula Abdul has a new man in her life: model Dante Spencer.

Spencer is 6'2", chiseled and at home on the dance floor – no wonder that from the second he met Abdul three months ago, his chances with the American Idol judge looked promising.

"We were salsa dancing in L.A. at a club called Mood on Hollywood Boulevard," says the 30-year-old model. "I saw her and went right up to her. Before I said one word, she turned around and said, 'Who are you?' And it's been great ever since."

...except for one small bump in the road three weeks into the affair, when she again turned to him and said, "Who are you?" But that was quickly cleared up with a few minutes of explanation and a call-in refill from Rite Aid.

But now that rumors have emerged that the couple might even be engaged (last item), we must ask the question: Who is this Dante? And will he be good to our 'so-much-love-to-give' Paula?

For answers, we need only turn to his 'model profile' in the International Male Catalog (aka "Beat-Off-Material-for-Closeted-Gay-Teens-If-You-Can-Get-Passed-the- Nausea-Inducing-Clothes-and-Who-Am-I-Kidding-of-Course-I-Can") website:

"AMBITIONS

The acting bug strikes again! Dante minored in Theater at the University of California at San Diego and is currently taking an acting class in LA, where he resides.

FAVORITE SPORTS
Basketball and baseball, sports he’s favored since his days on the UCSD team.

PETS
Not since Dante’s childhood experience with two pet water turtles. They died the same day he got them. “My mom said I didn’t give them enough love.”

GUILTY PLEASURES
Peanut butter and chocolate. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? “Yeah, they’re great.”"

RED FLAG RED FLAG.

Quote. AND I QUOTE:

“My mom said I didn’t give them enough love.”

We can only pray that once Dante is done getting his chocolate in Paula's peanut butter, she won't too suffer a double tortoisecide at his intimacy-shunning hands.

Tampax on the Dancefloor

Madonna's latest album cover for her upcoming Confessions on a Dancefloor has been leaked -- less an album cover, actually, more of a Get Smart-esque K.A.O.S. plan to instantly turn anyone who looks at it into a gigantic neon Vegas billboard flashing "GAY! GAY! GAY!" (We're also reminded that the touring production of Annie hits the Pantages October 7th. ) But who needs my two cents on the subject! Let's hit the gay boards at Towleroad (yes that's two links in one day; Andy we love you) and see what the homo hordes think of it!

Confession: "I'm 47 years old."

Posted by: jaykayess | Sep 17, 2005 9:22:25 PM

I can't get over that tawdry Kabbalah bracelet. The crucifix was way sexier!

Posted by: borut | Sep 18, 2005 8:05:12 AM

Now we really know how she hurt her collarbone.

Posted by: Jason | Sep 18, 2005 11:02:19 AM

Her arm is saying, "stop...don't stop." Which is how I feel about her career.

Posted by: Scoop | Sep 18, 2005 11:57:53 AM

I'm sorry but the "f" in confessions looks like a Tampon string hanging out of her panties...

Posted by: MervynLeroy | Sep 18, 2005 7:50:51 PM

O Lucky Man

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Proving her thigh-spreading lust for B-minus level talent to be a bottomless cup-a-joe, Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell have decided to double their talent through the fuzzy math of a wedding engagement:

"Rebecca Romijn, whose screen credits include the “X-Men” films and “Rollerball,” is engaged to Jerry O’Connell.

The couple became engaged over the weekend in New York after dating for a year, Us Weekly magazine reported Tuesday. O’Connell’s publicist, Joy Fehily, confirmed those details to The Associated Press.

“We couldn’t be happier and are looking forward to the next chapter of our lives,” the couple said in a joint statement."

It remains unclear which chapter they were referring to:  X-Men 3 or Kangaroo Jack 2: G'Day U.S.A.!.

A Lesson in Lesbian Penetration: Attack of the Martina Navratinobodies

You know the drill: Connecticut suburbs, husband (lawyer), three kids (soccer, soccer, theater camp), satisfying part-time catering career, and totally miserable. You meet her in a Tastes of Morocco intensive cooking class. Her couscous is impossibly fluffy and moist. Tastes lead to compliments. Compliments to drinks. Drinks to kisses. Kisses to divorce and the start of a 14-year lesbiadventuromance. How do you keep the flame alive? How about gatecrashing the Emmy Awards Governor's Ball and charming some expertly curated-- and heart-cockle-warmingly good-natured-- television stars into posing for pictures? Something about this shot, featuring and taken by Entourage's Adrian Grenier, makes me love everyone involved, especially the one grinning like an insane woodchuck directly to Adrian's right. You go, girls!:

   

Via Towleroad. Click for more cuteness.

When Television Ruled the Earth, and Walls Smelled of Glue and Truffles

In post-morteming Emmy night and the ensuing whoop-de-dos, the LA Times examines the application of Nietzsche 101 to the very practical arena of basic cable career advancement; namely, willing yourself to A-list power. Can it be done? Anything is possible in Dreamtown, kids, where sound-bites sparkle like princess-cut diamonds anchored in settings of 18-karat self-delusion:

"Finally, television is king. At least, that's what Patricia Richardson of "The West Wing" was saying. She was standing on the red carpet outside the "Entertainment Tonight"/People magazine post-Emmy soiree and explaining matter-of-factly that "TV is better than movies. Look at shows like 'Six Feet Under' and 'West Wing,' and then look at all the dreck Hollywood is putting out."

That was the consensus at Emmy parties around town Sunday night, where celebrities sick of their status as show biz's second-class citizens (a theme even Emmy host Ellen DeGeneres riffed on during the broadcast) celebrated a blockbuster year for the small screen — and a lackluster year for the big one.

"More and more people get their information and entertainment from TV," said television icon Don Johnson, who has a new show, "Just Legal," on the WB. "Film has become a boutique business. The time has come when we're going to get all our entertainment in our home.""

While you suck on the bitter lozenge that is our inevitable communal fate of a nation of Pink Dot-dependent shut-ins mindmelding with 24-hr Nash Bridges reruns as our flesh literally melts into our couches, take heart-- there are those who refuse to resign themselves to a single destiny:

Not everyone was optimistic that TV will become the dominant form, however. "Everything's cyclical, it comes and goes," said Kelsey Grammer, looking tired.

Jesus!  I mean I've heard of not interfering in the name of journalistic objectivism, but this is ridiculous! Can someone give the Kelser a bump already! Frasier's flatlining over here.

Ooh! Chocolate walls!

Inside at the Mondrian Hotel, the dark, musky scent of chocolate all but wiped out perfumes and colognes, leading revelers by their noses to the Godiva room. Truffles were everywhere, hundreds of them, glued to the walls in circles and swirls like something out of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

Can I say something? That sounds fucking disgusting.

Ooh! India!

There wasn't a chocolate room at the HBO party at the Pacific Design Center, but the Bollywood-themed celebration was by far the night's most elaborately designed. Veteran event designer Billy Butchkavitz flew to India to do research and returned with miniature temples, which he meticulously reproduced as life-size hangout areas spread throughout a palatial blue tent and outside. Waiters strode about dressed in white cotton Indian-style tunics, refreshing plates of samosas and vats of delicious mango and pistachio rice pudding.

I'm sure Billy Butchkavits didn't do all the work himself; he had a hand from his dependable assistants Sam Nelliestein and Doron Queenberg.

Human Rights Groups Decry Ugly Stereotype of Jews and Gays Running Media; In Other News, David Geffen to Buy Los Angeles Times

What to get the multimedia mogul who has everything? How about something quaint, old-fashioned, arguably obsolete?; I'm thinking Family Circus, I'm thinking fun, folded hats... I'm thinking the Los Angeles Times! The story, ironically enough, appeared in the Times' own weekend business section:

"Three well-known civic figures in Los Angeles said they had heard Geffen in recent weeks talking about how he would like to take control of The Times, owned by Tribune Co.

Geffen met with Tribune Chief Executive Dennis J. FitzSimons this summer to say he was interested in buying the paper.

"We had a meeting at his request, with no disclosed reason in advance," FitzSimons confirmed in a telephone interview. "At that point, he indicated his interest in the paper. And I told him it was not for sale.""

Way to hold the fort, FitzSimons! Never understimate the tenacity of someone who capitalizes a letter in the middle of their last name. The article then gets into the awkwardly murky territory of reporting the paper's own financial performance. It's akin to listening to your doctor talk to you about his own fight with cancer:

The national economy's slow recovery from recession has dragged down advertising sales at The Times, the biggest property in the Tribune empire. Total revenue at the Los Angeles paper peaked at $1.14 billion in 1999 at the height of the technology boom, but has since remained relatively flat, coming in at $1.07 billion last year, according to internal company documents...So why would Geffen, whose net worth is estimated by Forbes magazine at $4.4 billion, want to plunge into an industry that is struggling to maintain its footing as many readers shift to cable television and the Internet?

They offer several plausible theories -- expanding his empire, improving coverage through local ownership instead of the current Chicago-based Tribune ownership -- but one ballsy theory, provided by an anonymous 'businessman', tends to linger:

The businessman who spoke to Geffen said the music and movie mogul also talked of another motivation: correcting what he sees as the unfairness that the newspaper's news and editorial pages have demonstrated toward him and others.

Among Times articles that might have annoyed the entertainment mogul were a July editorial that called DreamWorks a failure and columns by California section columnist Steve Lopez that chastised Geffen for failing to open a public access way next to his home on Carbon Beach in Malibu. (The path opened this spring after a protracted fight with the California Coastal Commission.)

The entire venture could come down to very basic economics: $3 billion to kill Doonesbury.

 

Moss: "I Did Use Cocaine. I'm Also Super-Fine, I'm Round-the-Clock Horny, and I'm Rocking One Leg. Jealous?"

Kate Moss has admitted to her employer, clothing giant H&M, that the Daily Mirror's scandalous reports and images of her using cocaine were accurate:

Moss, who is to model one of H&M's upcoming clothing lines, apologized for her drug use and promised in writing to abide by a company policy that models be "healthy, wholesome and sound," spokeswoman Liv Asarnoj said.

H&M decided to keep Moss on, Asarnoj told The Associated Press in a phone interview from the company's headquarters in Stockholm, Sweden.

"We strongly disapprove of her action," Asarnoj said Saturday. "We feel that this is very unfortunate."

Asarnoj said Moss had acknowledged the allegations of drug use were true. "That's why she was so regretful," Asarnoj said. "We are giving her a second chance."

She initially accepted the high profile gig at the enthusiastic promptings of boyfriend/ex-Libertines leadman/Grim Reaper-cocktease Peter Doherty, who mistakenly interpreted the company's name as shorthand for 'Heroine & Methampetamine,' his favorite sandwich fillings.

From Our Archives: April, 2005 - Fucky. The Blog About Shopping

For Your Consideration in All Categories

Attention screenwriters, movie development executives, studio heads, A-list actors and actresses, their agents and their ilk:

Seek no further.

The story you have been looking for has been found.

Action. Love. Death. Sorrow.

And a twist ending so ingenious and shocking, no one will ever see it coming.

What's more, the entire thing has been storyboarded out for you (until the twist ending, which will require you to read the comments after 'The End' and probably one of those quickly edited back-tracking montages a la A Beautiful Mind and Identity where you realize in 15 seconds everything you have just sat through is a lie.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your consideration:

Grief - Barn Swallows [via b3ta]

Ellen DeGeneres Returns to Emmy Stage to Help Us Find Humor In National Tragedy She Caused

It's a tightrope walk, to be sure, feting the accomplishments of Hollywood's TV industry arrivistes as hundreds of thousands of Americans ponder the hugeness of their recent losses. There are few who can successfully come through this daring acrobatic feat, but Ellen DeGeneres most definitely is one, what with her likable and self-deprecating dry wit, not to mention a vivid insider knowledge of the massive-life-claiming tragedies her Emmy-hosting has directly caused. From today's LA Times:

"The first time she was asked to host the annual Emmy Awards show, it was just before 9/11. This year, it was before Hurricane Katrina.

"I'm going to think twice before I agree to host something again, I can tell you that," she said wryly in a recent interview."

In reminiscing about her triumphant hosting of the 2001 Emmys, the announcement of which earlier that year was the trigger signal for Al Qaeda cells across the country, the article quotes some of the comedian's best lines inspired by the terrorist attacks that were solely her fault:

"In her monologue, she told the audience that the terrorists "can't take away our creativity, our striving for excellence, our joy. Only network executives can do that." She went on to say that she was an ideal host "because, think about it: What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?""

We won't know until Sunday night what kind of industry rib-poking Katrina jokes DeGeneres has in store -- something about NBC showing no noticeable ratings dips in the affected regions, no doubt --  but however she chooses to tackle the sensitive subject of the natural disaster she independently brought on, one thing is for certain: it will have that trademark DeGeneres class.

'Til Fraud Did They Part

We weren't even going to touch this one, but it's getting interesting:

"Bridget Jones is untying the knot. Renee Zellweger, who played the lovelorn Brit in "Bridget Jones's Diary," and country music star Kenny Chesney will have their four-month-old marriage annulled, Chesney's publicist, Holly Gleason, and Zellweger's Los Angeles-based publicist Nanci Ryder, confirmed to The Associated Press on Thursday.

In court papers filed Wednesday, Zellweger listed "fraud" as the reason for the breakup but did not elaborate.

A phone call to her attorney was not immediately returned, nor was a call to Gleason later in the day regarding the fraud claim."

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Being neither a fan of Top 40 country music nor the School of Squintypouty Jeux de Theatre, I would hazard nary a guess as to what sort of "fraud" Renee is referring to. There are so many ways Kenny may have misrepresented himself in the sanctity of their blessed union of one man and one woman. Now let's just take a moment to mourn the ending of that union by staring at the accompanying photograph and wondering what the fraud may have been.

The Oracle at Prospect & Talmadge

 

US Weekly Staffers: They're Just Like Us Except They Solicit Sex With Children on the Internet!

Gawker reports that an US Weekly staff writer has been arrested last night for soliciting a minor for sex on the internet. A press release from the States Attorney's office alleges that:

"McDarrah responded to a Craiglist ad offering “the freshest, youngest girls” available, corresponded with an undercover FBI agent he believed to be a 13-year-old girl, and agreed to meet with her last night, at which point he was arrested. He also allegedly offered to buy the “girl” CDs, clothes, and an iPod, and he allegedly told her he worked at Us Weekly."

A quick internet search on McDarrah reveals him to have been the resident gossip columnist at the Las Vegas Sun before defecting to US, as reported in this September 2004 item:

"Rumor of the week (but this one's true): We hear the other paper's gossip columnist is moving on but hasn't let management know yet. He's moving back east to join a national magazine, the same publication he's been freelancing for -- and promoting -- while bashing the "ethics" of that magazine's competitor. Apparently, he missed the J-school classes on full disclosure. Reached by telephone on Saturday, Matt Hufman, metro editor of the Las Vegas Sun, said he is not aware that Timothy McDarrah is leaving the paper. McDarrah did not return messages by deadline." 

By "competitor" we assume they are referring to People, but if we were to graph his ethical lapses, I'd say he should focus less on his serial dissing of Leah Rozen reviews and more on the current charges.

Celebrities Pitch In and Show They...I Can't Do This

USA Today offers the definitive reportage of celebrity response to Hurricane Katrina, an exhaustive chonicling of the glittery altruism that ouch I think I have an underground zit forming on my forehead. Hey you know what I could really go for right now? One of those brownies with the cheesecake on top. I wonder what that hot dude with the yellow board shorts from my gym is up to right now. He's hot.

I'm sorry what were we talking about again? Oh right. In those moments of crisis when famous people pitch in, using their notoriety to heighten awareness, while simultaneously yeah... he's really hot but I don't think he notices me which could very well be his way of noticing me!

Oh fuck a duck. Let's just grin and bear this together shall we? It'll be over quickly enough.

• To those who question Hollywood's motives, [Sean] Penn says, "I'm a 45-year-old man with two kids, and I've had plenty of attention in my life. I don't need to dive into toxic waste for that." [INSERT JOKE ABOUT DADDY'S FAVORITE WEEKEND BACKYARD GAME:  MESSIANIC PHOTO-OP COMPLEX]

• Monday, Gloria Estefan, Andy Garcia and Jimmy Smits hit the Gulf area to take toys to kids who lost their belongings. "Toys are not a need people typically think of, but they've got all these kids who have absolutely nothing to do," says Estefan, who had corporate donations and also paid for playthings through her Gloria Estefan Foundation. [INSERT JOKE ABOUT PAUL RODRIGUEZ BEGGING TO COME ALONG DRESSED AS SANTINO CLAUS BUT HIS CAREER NOT HAVING ENOUGH 'LATIN HEAT' TO BE INCLUDED.]

• Filmmaker Kevin Smith is auctioning off dinner at his house and a role in his next film. [INSERT JOKE ABOUT JAY AND SILENT AUCTION STRIKING BACK.]

• Model Naomi Campbell, who had already planned to donate her runway fees, is teaming up with Linda Evangelista and Iman to close out Fashion Week in New York with a star-studded fundraiser Friday night [INSERT JOKE ABOUT SELLING ONE (1) ASSISTANT-BEATING TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER.]

See? Was that so bad?! I told you we'd make it through! And all joking aside, I think just reading about all this celebrity charity work really just makes you pause and take stock of yeah I'm definitely getting an underground zit.

The Reitman for the Job? (Groan Away)

Jason Reitman, son of director Ivan "Ghostbusters" Reitman, seems to have quite the hit on his hands with his feature debut, Thank You For Smoking, a movie so wicked-cool it set off a playground skerfuffle between Fox Searchlight and Paramount Classics. (Fox, with its preoccupation with "contracts" and "signatures" seems to have come out on top; in return, they must tell Classics they are sorry and promise to share the sandbox Tonka tractor.)

Two arthouse cred-heavy units of major studios battling out over your first film? Must be quite a confidence booster! And yet poor Jason finds himself traveling that long, dark journey of the soul where so many other Hollywood celebuspawn have tread before, wondering out loud if his work will forever be tainted with the faint, foul aroma of nepotism. His conclusion? Yes, it will! And he doesn't care!

His filmmaking lineage also has made Reitman uneasy over the publicity he draws compared to other young filmmakers.

"I certainly get an undue amount of attention because of my dad, and I was embarrassed about that," Reitman said. "I felt shame about that at one point. And then one day, I realized: You know what? It is what it is. I'm my father's son.

I love that! "You know what? It is what it is" is my new mantra! I fucked your boyfriend and gave him chlamidia?

You know what? It is what it is.

Fear not, young Jason. It's not like your billionaire computer tycoon father financed the production and by some miraculously serendipitous coincidence you just happened to land one of the film's leads. You weren't ever related to the billionaire computer tycoon who funded Smoking! (I think.)

PayPal founder David O. Sacks was just entering the film business with proceeds from the sale of his company to eBay and stepped in to secure the rights and produce "Thank You for Smoking."

What went unreported was that the entire production came terrifyingly close to falling apart completely, when at a crucial financing stage Mr. Sacks forgot his user password. Luckily, he did remember his mother's maiden name, ensuring the film would see the light of festival screens and ensuring Reitman's destiny as heir to his father's cinematic comedy throne.

Baby Spears

CONGRATULATIONS are in order!

Britney Spears has given birth to a baby boy, Us Weekly reported. The baby was born Wednesday by Caesarean section at the Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center in California, the magazine said. No other details were available.

It is the first child for the 23-year-old pop star and her husband, Kevin Federline. Federline, 27, has two children with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson.

We wish Preston Michael Spears Federline (see If They Mated- inspired predictive artist's rendering, left) a very happy life. And remember, little Preston Michael: You're not a girl, not yet a woman. Because you're a boy.

CONGRATULATIONS are in order!

Britney Spears has given birth to a baby boy, Us Weekly reported. The baby was born Wednesday by Caesarean section at the Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center in California, the magazine said. No other details were available.

It is the first child for the 23-year-old pop star and her husband, Kevin Federline. Federline, 27, has two children with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson.

We wish Preston Michael Spears Federline (see If They Mated- inspired predictive artist's rendering, left) a very happy life. And remember, little Preston Michael: You're not a girl, not yet a woman. Because you're a boy.

Baby Seal

CONGRATULATIONS are in order!

German supermodel Heidi Klum has given birth to a healthy baby boy, a German tabloid reported Tuesday.

The child is the first for Klum and her husband, Grammy-winning singer Seal.

We wish Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel (see If They Mated- inspired predictive artist's rendering, left) a very happy life. And remember, little Henry Günther: You're either een. Or you're out. Since you've chosen to come out, you're never gonna survive. Unless you get a little. Crazy.

Olsen Twins Play God; God Needs Sandwich

In what is sure to become a classic case study in medical ethics textbooks for years to come, genetic-mutations/tween-heroes the Olsen Twins have birthed a male bi-pod through clonic manipulation and good old fashioned showbiz know-how:

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen want to make Cole and Dylan Sprouse the male versions of their teenage girl merchandising empire, The Wall Street Journal reported.

"My sister and I started the whole 'tween empire," Ashley Olsen was quoted as saying. "I definitely see the potential for the boys to do that sort of thing."

With the brand name of D.C. Sprouse, Cole and Dylan will be the face of a boys division that will include DVD movies, CDs and other merchandise for the Olsens' Dualstar Entertainment Group, the newspaper reported Monday.

"They love to Rollerblade, they like to surf, skate and are into videogames. … They love animals," said the Sprouses' manager, Josh Werkman. "They're boy boys in every sense of the term."

It would appear the programming inputs at the base of their skulls have downloaded the necessary marketing components successfully; now all that's left is for the boy-unit to be detached from its anal-feeding tube, re-coated in antibacterial skin-substance and set in front of digital cameras for their first full-length DVD adventure, D.C. Sprouse's Skidazzler Weekend!

Liza Tongues a Homo, Ch. MMMMMCCXVII

Thanks, Variety! I really didn't need that Maple Oat Scone anyway.

That's a purple-besequined Liza and Showtime president Bob Greenblatt in the throws of a very PDGIA (Public Display of Gay Icon Affection) at the Toronto Film Festival.

They were there to pimp Showtime's restoration of the Emmy-award winning Bob Fosse-directed classic TV special, Liza With a Z, which will air on the network later this Fall. Interestingly enough, after film restorers removed 33 years worth of accumulated dust and dirt from the original negative, they were shocked to discover that the title was actually "Liza With A Zsa Zsa," though the goulash-loving husband collector's performance is widely believed to have been left on the cutting room floor.

Dave Chapelle's Remains Found in Cincinnati

Dave Chapelle's 'Nervous Breakdown' World Tour (save the souvenir shirts with the list of dates on the back -- those'll be hipster heaven in a decade or so) made a pitstop in Cincinnati recently, where Dave played to a more manageable bite-sized crowd of 325, and shared some barely comprehensible mumblings with the Cincinnati Enquirer. Some highlights from the article:

On returning to small club standup:

• "It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people."
• "Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems."
• "I like that particular kind of attention. People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you."

On reports of his breakdown:

• "It was a little weird. It felt like some of the stuff was real tabloid, like raw speculation."

• "It was like stuff I would normally buy and believe. I just took it as a learning experience. It was like becoming a public person and learning all the responsibility that comes with that."

On what's next:

• "Wow. … That's a good question. … Is `I don't know' an acceptable answer?"

Of course it is, Dave! There are no wrong answers! And you're right: I have no idea what its like to stand on a stage speaking my mind and hanging out with a wall of smiling people. Now why don't you show me what the bad Basic Cable Network did to you with these anatomically correct dolls and finger paints...

Martha Stewart's Amazing T-Shirt Folding Technique

Today was the premiere of Martha, and her very first guest was Marcia Cross, whose Desperate Housewives character Bree Van de Kamp is largely thought to be a Martha sendup. But what everyone is talking about is Martha's miraculous T-Shirt folding technique:

She wowed Cross, and surely viewers, with a technique for folding T-shirts. As simple as can be (though impossible to put into words), it could have been the most edifying 60 seconds of TV in ages.

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I missed the show (some days I really resent the fact that God didn't make me a stay-at-home mom), but luckily her website offers a handy visual guide. Click to enlarge, and pay particular attention to the crucial Step (5):

 

Jack Osbourne Nails Kimberly Stewart's Tits to the Wall

MSNBC got a peek at the upcoming issue of Stuff magazine (last item), where Kimberly "Omigod, I'll TOTALLY Fill in for Nicole on Simple Life 4!" Stewart, product of someone thinking father Rod was sexy, and wanting his body, and letting him know, was flat-out upfront about her flat out-up-front:

"The 25-year-old daughter of rocker Rod Stewart had fake boobs put in when she was 18, but later had them removed. “I’m older now and more comfortable with my body. I actually prefer being flat-chested. It’s just so much easier,” Stewart tells the October issue of Stuff magazine. “Jack Osbourne wanted them, so I framed them and he put them on his bathroom wall.”"

The framed, floppy mounds of saline made a fine addition to the newly svelte and jockish (left) bachelor's "galpal" bathroom set, alongside the 'his and hers' towels woven from six months worth of Mandy Moore's Brazilian waxings and his 'lil-half-sis of Kurt' Brieann Cobain papsmear soap dish.

A Look at Viseohomosexualis, aka "Gayface"

The kids at my favorite new blog Pen15 have taken on a PhD-thesis sized topic -- Gayface. It's a vastly intimidating subject, to be sure, but an important one, and a definitive scientific treatise was sorely lacking. Among its more fascinating insights is this outtake from the "Origins of Gayface" section:

The Origins of Gayface  Really not sure. But a quick glance through history reveals that Gayface has a long and historical presence in the world. I mean, take a look at Akenaten, a pharaoh from 18th Dynasty Egypt (ca. 1370 B.C.E.). It's true that he was the father of King Tutankhamen (Tut), but who wasn't trying to pass on his bloodline in ancient Egypt? As my colleague Rob pointed out, Akenaten not only sports Gayface, but is a prime example of CSL, or to us in the business, Cock Sucking Lips. Also, you may note that even though this statue is nearly 4000 years old, it could just as easily be a cast photo from some community theater's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, right? I mean how far have we really come?

Not far, I'm afraid, as an archaelogical dig in east Tunisia recently unearthed what is largely believed to be the world's first MAC counter, where ancient Mesopotamian retail sluts discovered the benefits of creme foundation and earthtone lipliners.

Gay Animal Wranglers in Love Roundup: Golden Lions, Mauling Tigers and Blogging Bears--Oh My!

It has been a spectacular weekend for GAWLs (Gay Animal Wranglers in Love) and their fans:

• Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain, aka the one movie I will gladly eat a baby to see, took the top-prize Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival Saturday. We were all rooting for this one. I mean c'mon, regardless of what this skinny dipping-still may have indicated, Jake and Heath both have the biggest balls in the universe to tackle a gay love story at this point in their careers, particularly one where Ang's shout of 'action' was taken with quite such literal gusto: (from W, as related by Towleroad):

In a scene destined to be this year’s boldest cinematic taboo-breaker, Ennis del Mar (Ledger) and Jack Twist (Gyllenhaal) surprise themselves one night by consummating their crush during a wordless encounter in their moonlit pup tent. After Jack makes the first move, Ennis, with very little fanfare and even less tenderness, puts Jack on all fours and takes him from behind. Lee recalls that the scene required 13 takes spanning one very long day. “I was very proud of Jake,” he says. “What he does with that scene is very moving, very real, with a lot of emotion and a lot of excitement.”

“Uh, I don’t really remember much of that day,” says Gyllenhaal, laughing. He spent much of it cutting the tension by joking with Ledger about who was going to do what to whom. “It’s one of the riskiest things I’ve done in my career,” Gyllenhaal says, likening the experience to jumping into a very cold lake. “At a certain point you just take a deep breath and dive in. And then the water’s freezing, and you jump out as fast as you can.”

I'll see you opening night at the Arclight, along with several thousand other homos in spurs.

• Roy Horn Walks! No joke! My little Bavarian Bushkebunye

"methodically" walked about 100 yards into the Thursday evening performance of "Avenue Q" at the Wynn Las Vegas resort, said Bernie Yuman, longtime manager of the "Siegfried & Roy" show. He was accompanied by his partner, Siegfried Fischbacher, and casino mogul Steve Wynn.

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I can only imagine the kind of eye-rolling 'don't even' Roy gave when the cast broke into the chorus of the "It Sucks To Be Me" number. In all seriousness, congratulations Roy. Siegfried must be kvelling his tuchus off.

FEH CONTEST#2: World's Lamest Wrap Gift

I'm reluctant to start another contest, seeing as my last foray into the competitive realm, Feh's First Annual Erotic Fiction Contest, ended up with exactly two entries (one of which is the source of a recurring nightmare.)

But I am nothing if not an optimist, as well as a sport enthusiast! So here is our latest contest, and fret not, it involves no literacy, imagination or sex-having on behalf of the entrants whatsoever (do I know my readership or what!).

FEH CONTEST #2: WORLD'S LAMEST WRAP GIFT

Send in one photo of the lamest wrap gift you have ever received. (To the confused: A 'wrap gift' is a gift you get once a production wraps.) If you do not work in show business, that's fine. Send in a photo of any lame gift branded with your place of business. I'll even take hideous office Christmas cards. Fuck yoga-- you want flexible, you come to Feh contests.

The winner receives this:

Frankly, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't get any lamer than this little number. Watch out Miucia! You got some competish on the handbag block! Too small to be useful, too large to be able to quickly hide it from friends you run into on the street, and just shoddy enough to disintegrate under the weight of anything heavier than a bran muffin, this sporty portmanteau from the production of the upcoming Eddie McClintock starrer, in basic cable-ready households everywhere this Christmas, manages to say it all in just three words.

Lights, Camera, Christmas indeed.

Send all entries to fehblog@yahoo.com

Good luck and god bless.

TRUMPHAIR 101

 

The Library of Classic Spittakes: Spreadeagle Vagina in Fashion Mag

Can't a faggot sit down to his beloved subscription of Seventeen magazine and get the latest accessory trends and relationship quizzes without being assaulted with the ugly truth of what lies behind the roast beef curtains?  Apparently NOT, as the latest issue so helpfully includes a barfily graphic "Vagina 101" feature, as shared by Gawker. What's next: a Teen Vogue "Many Shades of My First Yeast Infection" Color Wheel?

Click on the image at left to enter the Temple of Doom.

It Kinda Sounds Like "Gay Cruise"

Like a premie receiving the life-giving mother's milk nourishment it so desperately needs lest it shrivel away and expire, a TomKat item has surfaced, courtesy IMDb and the so aptly named InTouch magazine. Suckle freely, my teenies, unencumbered by mechanical aids or incubators:

Call her old-fashioned, but Katie Holmes is planning on giving up her last name when she goes through with her marriage to Tom Cruise. And in keeping with her more recent trend of taking things too far, she's even taking on his preferred first name for her, Kate. Shrugging off the precedent set by former Cruise wives Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, she'll use the name Kate Cruise both privately and professionally. A source tells In Touch: "Tom calls her Kate, so he suggested she start going by that professionally."

Tom then suggested that if she could get used to Kate, then would it really be such a leap to start answering to Chris? It's just a few letters off! And could she cut her hair like the guy in this US Army ad? And wear this catcher's mitt? Thaaat's right. That's it. Riiiight there. Don't. Change. A. Thing.

The MPAA Doesn't Care About Young People

Pity Atom Egoyan. The stubbornly esoteric Canadian auteur has finally made a movie with some mass appeal (Three ways! Naked Bacon! -- It's a Denise Richards away from being Wild Things) and yet an MPAA review panel has decided yesterday to uphold the killer NC-17 rating it slapped on his Where the Truth Lies. At issue is content deemed "explicit sexuality" by the board, specifically the climactic (plot- and otherwise) ménage à trois scene between Kevin Bacon, Colin Firth and Rachel Blanchard. And while Egoyan has made more cuts than a Mohel nine months after a Tel Aviv blackout, the board still wasn't satisfied:

ThinkFilm requested the appeal after Egoyan had already made several cuts to the film in hopes of receiving an R rating, which requires viewers under 17 to be accompanied by an adult. At issue, according to ThinkFilm, was the mystery's pivotal   scene, which involves a menage a trois among Kevin Bacon, Colin   Firth and Blanchard, which leads to a young woman's death.   According to Egoyan, the shot was filmed as a single sustained   master shot and he couldn't cut it any further without   rendering the mystery incomprehensible.

While the ruling was a blow to advocates of free expression everywhere, it was a victory for the Straight Men's Alliance of America, who, upon hearing that the three-way in question involved two men, released this press-statement:

What the fuck, dude?? Who the fuck wants to see two naked dudes going at it?! What do you think I am, some homo? I mean, Rachel Blanchard's hot, but not THAT hot.

The New York Daily News would later report that as a result of the rating ruling,  Egoyan would be reinstating several scenes, including a lesbian sex scene, after which the SMAA released a second press-statement:

Whoa. Two chicks? That's fuckin hot. Now THAT's what I'm talking about. *High five*

The SMAA has reserved final judgement on the hotness/homoness of the film's final cut until it can be reviewed by its own Appeals Board.

Mercury Prize 2005: X&Y Loses to X&?

Gwyneth might have everything she ever wanted, but hubbie/Coldplay leadman Chris Martin can't say the same. His third shot at Britain's most prestigious music award, the Mercury Prize, has resulted in yet another Lucciesque gritted-smile disappointment. And while many predicted the Kaiser Chiefs to be, to paraphrase another influential musical UK Mercury, the "winner who takes it all," Coldplay's gigantic X&Y album lost instead to an album by someone you likely have never heard of, with chromosomes leaning more towards the X&? variety:

He started singing as a choirboy in Chichester before moving to New York where he became a cross-dressing performance artist. But as well as his extraordinary, androgynous voice, it was Antony Hegarty's nationality that was in the spotlight last night after his band, Antony and the Johnsons, won the Nationwide Mercury music prize.

I Am a Bird Now, the American-based singer's second album of strikingly stark songs about sexual identity, fought off more orthodox competition from a raft of very British guitar bands, including the favourites Kaiser Chiefs, Coldplay and Bloc Party, to win the £20,000 prize. "Crazy" "insane" "nutty" and "bonkers" were how the self-effacing Hegarty described his victory.

A quick aural perusing of the prize winning album reveals gorgeous, evocative melodies of yearning and melancholy, with vocals that hold a lighter up to the grand, trilly traditions forged by Tiny Tim.  While the album has its supporters, not all are convinced that it was worthy, or even eligible, for a distinctly British musical prize. Particularly those who found themselves shut out:

Although he holds a British passport and has drawn inspiration from Boy George - who appears on his album - Marc Almond and Elizabeth Fraser of the Cocteau Twins, Hegarty, 34, has spent most of his life in America after his parents relocated to California when he was 12.

Earlier this month, Kaiser Chiefs accused Hegarty of sneaking on to the shortlist through a "technicality".

"He's an American, really," said Nick Hodgson of Kaiser Chiefs, who hail from the rather less exotic Leeds. "It's a good album, but it's daft he's got in on a technicality."

I kind of see his point -- a New York based musician is, after all, New York based. Yet my heart can't help but swell just a tad when I see this stagestruck trannie collect an award for a collection of gender-confused-heart-on-her-sleeve songs, while the new breed of 'angular guitar' cockrocking pubnicks (what exactly makes a guitar angular, anyway, unless of course it's shaped like a Z and playing the riff from 'Legs') stew in their geezer juices.

Feh Exclusive: Lyrics to Michael Jackson's Hurricane Relief Song

There are reports today that Michael Jackson has written and has plans to record a charity single to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina. In yet another FEH EXCLUSIVE, an operative at 2 Seas records has faxed us the lyrics of the soon-to-be-Classic, written hastily on a Bahrainese Shawarma wrapper.

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From the Bottom of my Heart

music and lyrics: Michael Jackson

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Have you seen my heart? / It's deep inside my chest.

It's beating pretty strong / Underneath my vest.

It's a heart that is heavy / With pictures that I see

On every channel playing / On my wall-sized flat TV...

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chorus

From the bottom of my heart

From the very bottom of the bottom of my heart

I see foolishness and suffering

Now it's stopping, it won't start

I need a defibrillator...

From the bottom of my heart.

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Why must there be pain/ And eyes so full of tears

Whether caused by rain/ Or a jury of my peers

So look into the mirror/ At the child standing behind

Or if there is no mirror/ Then just look directly at that child...

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chorus

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Lightning strike

Wind so devilish

Fear comes up

Fear and hatred

And misunderstanding

Why am I so misunderstood?

I just want to laugh again

No more badness

Just laughter

No more wetness

No more tears

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Chorus (Repeat 4x until fade)